| I've never posted on here before today but I was really happy to have gotten the responses that I did....they really mean a lot to me for many reasons.
There are a lot of factors in my life that work against me but rather than crying about it, I try to rise above. It just really hurts when I don't always succeed. I moved to the city about five years ago with the intent to start a better life for myself - in the past bad relationships were my problem - but since I've been here I've done some really stupid things - and only have myself to blame. However, after making some mistakes and essentially living here alone, I'm realizing that the city can be rather cold and heartless, and not the best place to search for support. There have been several instances before now where I thought I hated it here and wanted to leave, but stayed with the mindset that whereever I go, there I am...so I might as well stick it out here. I'm beginning to think that isn't true... I have family out of state and would rather be there. That is my support system, but I've kept myself away for no reason at all. Isn't it funny how where are can make us into someone entirely different...I don't think I would be here now if I had just stayed at home.
I've never had a problem taking responsibility after I've done something wrong, but it needs to stop happening to begin with. The fact that one response said I don't have to know what exactly the reason is - just go with what I DO know and build on it. I really take that comment to heart - it's simple and makes perfect sense.
It seems clear to me after a lot of time and careful consideration that I have a problem, and while it may not stem from alcohol, it is certainly a factor in many instances that result in unfortuante circumstances. My parents died when I was 20 and shortly thereafter I came out to the rest of my family. Being gay really wasn't a problem or factor for anything, but it seems like my heart is missing something that should be there - a void from not having my mother with me now. It was at this point everything started to go wrong for me, and has been going wrong since...by way of my own actions. That was seven years ago.
I may or may not be an alcoholic, or I may abuse alcohol in certain situations because of some other problem I have, but I am really glad that I have found somewhere that I can express how I am feeling and begin to explore it without being afraid of being put down or getting in trouble for it. That's why your supportive responses meant a lot, so thank you. |