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ToughChoices, It's so timely that you posted this because I had that same a-ha moment last night. After reading lots of SR, I was reading Melody Beattie's Co-Dependents 12 steps & realized I hadn't conquered the first step yet "We admit that we are powerless over others (or the alcoholic) in our life; that our lives had become unmanageable.” I see now how controlling I have been & haven't been giving up that power. By going drinking with my AH, I was actually trying to control how much he drank b/c I figured he'd drink less if I was there. I also ran to his rescue & gave him money for a Campral prescription (which he has yet to fill yet has spent the money I gave him) b/c he said he didn't have the money for it - - another attempt by me to control his drinking. I see how all the times I blamed him for "making me" save him had nothing to do with him - he didn't ask - I just barged on in. I see, too, now that the drinking is just a small part of the problem in our relationship. Granted, it looms huge for me because my father was an A so it's a major hot button for me. But, I see that's just one part of the puzzle ... I think our problems stem from me not accepting that he's one of those people who shuns responsibility & taking action. He's fine with his drinking, his smoking, his job-hopping, his lack of money management (including no savings or retirement fund), etc. It's ME who has the problem & keeps trying to control things to fix it. He has no problem with me, as long as I'm not trying to control him, which is fair enough, as I sure wouldn't want someone controlling me. So, now I just have to figure out where that leaves us & what I'm willing to accept.
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