[ToughChoices]

Reading a little last night got me thinking....

I bought the whole "powerless over his drinking" thing a while back, but I didn't realize how hard I'd been trying to exert some power over pretty much everything and everyone else. I'd been attempting mind control on a daily basis and feeling disappointed when my efforts failed.

Man oh man, did I ever try to control how OTHER people are perceived (not to mention how I was perceived) and how OTHER people feel!

I spend a lot of energy working to make sure that the people I care about are not misunderstood and trying to soothe their hurt feelings - even if I wasn't the one who hurt them.

Say, for instance, that one of my friends speaks tersely to another friend, resulting in injured feelings. There I am - explaining what Friend #1 "must have meant." Reassuring that she cares and she didn't intend to cause pain.

Does my AH "forget" to call my son to say goodnight? There I am - jumping to the rescue - making sure that kiddo and I call AH so that DS doesn't feel abandoned, so that he doesn't feel like his dad doesn't love him.

But I'm not responsible for making sure that DS feels like his dad loves him! I'm only responsible for ensuring that I behave in a loving manner toward him! AH didn't call - I don't know why. If DS is upset, he has a legit reason to be. I'm not doing anyone any favors by putting a band-aid (calling AH) on an open, infected wound (self-centered alcoholism).

I'm starting to realize that engaging in these type of behaviors feeds my "I'm in charge, I'm important" need when I am able to achieve my goal (change minds, make others happy, etc...), but it brings me deep and abiding sorrow when I fail to elicit the desired effect.

Knowledge is power, right?

Have a great day, all!
-TC