[CatWings]

I am still having intense cravings. And not matter what anyone says about how it is not possible, I am having some physical symptoms as well that are rather unpleasant. I am trying to keep busy but could use some support right now for my denial system that is starting to set in - at least I think it is denial.

I suffer from Fibromyalgia, Migraines, a serious TMJ injury, neck injury, and just damaged muscle problems in general from a bad car accident about 8 years ago. I am not able to function like most normal people.

I was also using marijuana for the headaches and I found that it helped some of the Fibro symptoms and and the TMJ pain. I am wondering if some of the extra pain I am feeling is because of the marijuana detox and withdrawal. I hope so, because I swear I am starting to wonder what good is me quitting when I have more pain to deal with?

But the reason I want to quit is that I feel I cannot use it medicinally in a moderate way. I also find at times, that it sometimes causes a heightened sense of pain.

When I have tried to quit before, I always end up taking more pain medication because I am obviously in more pain without it. I do not like taking my pain medication. I do not take it to get high and I am always taking less than the recommended dose because I hate it. But I am in so much pain without it that it is unavoidable.

The only thing I can think to do is wait this out and see how I feel. I can also try getting into yoga and more serious about meditation to see if it helps. I do stretching, but I could step that up too.

Today the real part of my denial is extending to feeling envious of the high-functioning potheads I know. Like my ex-boyfriend who has a lot of money, works his ass off and is a talented sound artist whom everyone loves. He's is quite a bit past 40 and it is obviously not dragging him down. All the other artists I know who are potheads seem to be doing fine on it, so why can't I?

However, I am trying to remind myself that I do know a few who have expressed a desire to either take a break or cut down or quit altogether. One friend of mine did, but then went right back on it.

I have been easing out of talking to ex as well, but I did tell him I was quitting and he said, yeah it is good to take a break and he just had tea at parties for a while and it was fine for him and he didn't miss it at all. Well, good for him except he is right back on it, smokes a LOT, and has taken no real break for any length of time.

So I started thinking, why am I so neurotic that I have to take everything so seriously, including my pot use? Why do I have to make even that complicated for me - whether I quit or not? What's wrong with me?

But I have to remind myself that the reason I want to quit is because I don't think I can handle it like most people due to I suffer from another condition that I think is worsened by this and I can't think straight and due to the chronic exhaustion from the chronic pain, I need the extra energy I will get from not smoking. I am not a high-functioning pothead like some.