sistergldnhair

Here's what I've got so far.


Dear Matthew:
I’ve been asked to write an impact letter to you. Being as we had a not so wonderful talk on the phone today, I think I’ll start it tonight.
I have to start it by telling you that I love you so very much. If you don’t know that by now, you’re crazy. That being said, I will be totally honest with my feelings at this point. Even though I love you, I hate your addiction.
When you said today “Maybe, I don’t want to get better”, my stomach flipped. While you have been in treatment, I have been in my own. When I look back at the past few years, and come into the present, I realize that maybe I don’t know you as well as I thought.
You might have thought I was oblivious to what you were doing…..but I wasn’t always. For awhile I was. Then it became more and more obvious. I would think about it constantly. I began to dread the car rides to and from work, because it left me to much time to think, and I’ve shed more tears in that car, than I care to count. How many times, I would turn down invites to go out with Anna, or Aunt Mary, because I was so afraid of something happening to you while I was gone. Even when you first went to Florida…. And the touch and go for the first few weeks with you..there were times I just sat on the other end of the phone physically shaking in my skin…. The mornings when I would wake up and find you stumbling around the kitchen or out on the deck..and knew that your were high, and it was gonna be a rough day. I was scared to leave the house. The time that Space was knocking on your door, and I thought that you had let him in, only to come into the hall 15 minutes later only to find him still outside your door, and I froze, thinking you had OD’d in your room.
Before you left, there were times your brother would call me and be crying that I thought something terrible had happened and he was telling me that he was so upset about you. About your using, and he was crying like a baby that he couldn’t talk. That boy loves you to death, But one day he said to me that he couldn’t let your addiction run his life. And I shouldn’t let it run mine. So wise for someone half my age, huh?
Then today, there was anger. I was angry. Why isn’t he participating in his treatment? I can’t answer that. I can tell you, that I have a great support group, and although I am quiet, like you, and don’t like to open up, like you, I do there. As you should. These people know what I am going through. They have been there, and no one judges me. And your peers in Sunlight, also have been where you are, and know what you are feeling, and only they can understand. I have not walked in your shoes, and I cannot be in your head to know what your thinking. Only you can say them, or write them, to get them out.
My feelings are my feelings, and there’s no right or wrong. I know you love me, and whether you meant it or not, you used me, because I am easy and soft hearted. My weakness, but it hurts to realize this.
Your addiction has made me question everything I’ve ever done as a mother. And that hurts me, because in my heart, I know I’ve tried my damndest to be a good mom, but my mind is telling me I did so much wrong. Just as you are hearing things you’ve done wrong, and you know what they are…..I am hearing them too. From my peers in group, from your counselor…and even though it hurts like hell to hear, I’m listening…because I know we’ve both screwed up or you wouldn’t be where you are today. But we are here…I’ve tried my best throughout the past 23 years to do what I can for you. I’ve learned that I have screwed up, but I also know the goodness I have taught you. The hardest job I’ve ever had is to be a mother. Noone teaches you that, I learned as I went along, hoping you picked up the lessons along the way. It hurts deeply for me to find out, that all I thought I was doing right, I was doing too much, and denied you the opportunities to learn your own lessons. Denied you the opportunity to at 23, stand on your own two feet. Denied you the opportunity to feel pride in something you accomplished by yourself. I will always be your mother, and you my son…but I need to take responsibility now for yourself. I told you when you went to detox, although I don’t know if you remember, to do this for me. I know that you can do this for no one but yourself. But in essence, to see you do this for yourself, is as rewarding for me, as it will be for you. It will tell me that I have done something right, that you are strong. I never asked for perfection from you, but all I ever asked is that you do the best you can do. I don’t think that’s a lot to ask, and yet you make me feel that I’m asking to much.
I’ve always tiptoed around your feelings Matthew, because I didn’t want to hurt you, or upset you. And because of that you are not able to deal with your feelings. I cannot tiptoe now, because your life is on the line. I’ve been told by more people in the past 6 weeks that if things don’t change, you will die. That 300 lb. monkey that is on your back will get the best of you.
You said in your letter that I got today that everyone seems to make you feel like a “F*** U*” and an *******. You know your not. Yeah, you ****** up, you said it to me in your letter. You ****** up, now are you going to change it? Or are you going to let this define you? It’s not about blaming you. It’s about you taking responsibility for your recovery. You have been given a chance at getting your life together. And yet, your not doing it. Why am I stressing over it when your not? I would think you would realize how hard this whole experience has been on me, maybe I hope that now that you know, you will care. Maybe not. But I know that until you get it, I cannot go back to the insanity.
I also know that you are almost 23, and I cannot force you to stay at ******. If you are willing to work the program, and I do mean work the program, and complete the program, I will support you there, and help in anyway I can. But if choose to give up and leave, I cannot support that. I deserve more than that. At this point, I could not live with myself if I contributed to your killing yourself.
A Cherokee Legend

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."