Sue,
You´ll find treasures in the AA big book on these things. You might also try Melodie Beattie´s books, "Facing Codependence" and "Codependence no more", and/or Susan Forward´s books, where you can find actual exercises on how to build up self-esteem and learn positive self-talk. You should be able to look them up on yahoo or google.
I hope you´ll find some answers, if not, don´t hesitate to PM me or post here.