[utopia]

well amen people. im feeling the title of this thread big time....a lot of it has to do with the ol childhood (again sigh)....its funny even being aware of what im doing i just do it until i know otherwise. and thats painful to grow into a new way. just cant be bothered investing anymore into illusions. its all bshite to me or so it seems. its not as simple as writing some list and then putting it in a god box. tried it. failed it. people would judge it as a personal failure as not "truly" letting go....for me its coming down to this....im seeking from people what my parents could not. did not. would not provide.....soothing comfort, love, support, safety, belonging, the feeling of being wanted of being welcome in my home, in my own skin....also that i want from people which now, after the damages of alcoholism in my family...only God can provide. the love, nourishment and comfort....perhaps im bitter but its just been a failing to get that from a companion. and if i did get it, they would die or leave eventually and what would i do? be just where i am.....growing spirtually seems harder at first but in reality, noone has the power to GIVE me a feeling of peace....i gave up on relationships the other day or so...its like i still want one but due to my ignorance i dont know how to "do" them so ..if i feel more often than not that people are not capable of unconditional love, not on this planet anyway because its all about adhering to acceptable behviour. you act this way, ill act this way. maybe im wrong. maybe im bitter. but i know im tired and over trying and caring to try. in gods hands i place it all.