[Ago]

Thanks you two

The support I've gotten here has been "key" I've been able to "vent" and "process" in a way I've never experienced before, it's like "journaling" with feedback.

I'm not quite sure where I am in my "process" around all this, writing that stuff last night at some point became "uncomfortable" not because I'm "stuffing" more because I just didn't have the energy to "revisit" the story, it's like I've told that same story so many times at some point it stops being helpful and I'm just reliving it, and by telling the "blow by blow" it just brings up all the same feelings, and I just don't have the righteous indignation necessary to relive it all.

It just doesn't feel helpful any more.

That make sense?

I'm kind of wondering at what point I just "let go", rather then "relive" the whole episode, there are lessons there, extremely important ones, but where does "processing" just become "picking the scab" you know?

I don't care any more that my mother is drinking herself to death and know there is nothing I can do about it, and actively "co'ing" my sister, but I do care that they will try to suck me back into their sickness. I just don't ever want to hear from these people ever again, they are dying and going down the tubes, and if possible they will and have pulled me down with them.

My sister is raising her little girl, and she is a practicing junkie, and I am supposedly "Uncle-Daddy". Up to this point (as far as I know) my sister has been a good mother to this little girl, but the wheels ARE going to fall off if this continues, and I know who's going to get the "come save me" phone call when they do.

No one in my family knows where I live, but they have my email and phone number, I've been giving some serious consideration to changing them so my family can't find me any more.

I was talking to my xragfbff this morning, we talk every morning (coffee talk with T and A) and we were discussing this, among other things, she "did" ACOA meetings from 88-92 and we discussed different stages of recovery and various places in your "process", it was very interesting.

She's known me for maybe 15-16 years so she's able to make pretty insightful observations about things I've said in the past, different things I have gone through etc. but one of the things we spoke about was when we were dating, we had "stuff" but our dialogs were .... intense... in that I was always able to set my stuff aside and "hear" her, and honor her feelings, respect them and ....adjust myself accordingly ....and she was always able to do the same for me .... the reason that's important and pertinent to this conversation is I have the ability to "heal" while "processing" with a healthy person, but one of my patterns that's become clear is I don't have the ability to "heal" while dealing either with an active alcoholic, or someone who's active in denial, it's like I stand in front them and say "do you see me? do you see me? do you see me? until I'm screaming it and acting out.

It's like I become enmeshed in their illness and get "ill" myself, and the way I learned to deal with that was by only having "healthy" people in my life, I made a company where for the most part I only hired sober people, I walked away from customers i didn't get a good "hit" from, my girlfriend was sober and "recovered", all of my friends were sober and "recovered" and when I returned to the "real world" I was pitifully unequipped to deal with everyone.

I was living in an extremely isolated place where the poverty level was up over 75% according to the census bureau and approximately 70% of the people made their living by growing Pot. It made for a very strange dynamic, where everyone was paranoid, and keeping tourism down and strangers out of town where was a large priority, even to all the locally elected "officials" that was their platform, made it hard to run a restaurant, lemme tell you.

Everyone lied about everything. Every business dealing I had, 95% of the people I dealt with...like... it was like I was still in Kindergarten (from that book everything I needed I learned in Kindergarten) where you learn to share, don't lie, don't hit people, naps are good etc. and everyone else was in "high school" where people stole from you, slept with your girlfriend, your girlfriend slept with other people, lying was the norm, people stole from your parents and trashed your house if you had a party....

It was very confusing, so anyway, what I'm wondering now, is how much of my "codependency issues" did I just "hide" by only having select people in my life, you know? Where do I draw the line between "recovery" and just walking away from sick people?

I'm not too worried about it, because if there is one thing I have learned it's "more will be revealed" and the entire last few years have definitely had a "theme" between the family stuff and the relationship I chose while I was "in that place" (emotionally) and I haven't done a 4th step around that stuff yet, so I'm thinking there will be quite a bit of solution with that, well it's been my experience anyway, if it makes it to my fourth step, those parts heal, and don't reappear in my life, but that's just my experience.

OK, ttyl folks