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Ago · 10-25-2008, 12:58 AM

wow....just.........wow

I can't even begin to convey how many feelings this thread just brought up for me,
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-feedback.html (Major confusion-Need feedback)

I just went through a very similar situation with my family/mother/sister/uncle/stepfather, except I was the one who left 2.5 months ago.

I left with no notice after 3 years....no money, no job, just couch surfed until I found a place to live, just got a fairly attractive job offer today actually.

The last thing I said to my mother, who...is my mother...I love her...so much ...was, I never want to see you again, I never want to talk to again, even on your deathbed, you are too harmful for me to have in my life any more.

I have now severed ties with my uncle, mother, grandmother, 99% of my sister, pretty much my entire matriarchal family...and the truth is I like them as people....they just happen to be super harmful as family.

anyway, some background.

my parents are both alcoholics that separated, I split time between them, hitchhiking up and down northern California from age ten spend time with both parents, until I ran away from Home at age 16 to live in Hawaii.

My mother is a "caretaker" alcoholic, and my father is a "here's ten dollars buy some food and sit in the truck with the dog every night outside the bar until 2AM kind of alcoholic."

I basically stayed with my father, living on boats, in other peoples houses, in warehouses, as we moved around so much (17 schools in 15 years)

from about the age of ten I was stoned every minute of every day, to by the time I was 13 I was a daily drunk, by that time I was "moving" kilos of pot, had a machine gun and a pistol, and wasn't afraid to use them, I started taking guns to drug deals at about age ten I guess. Needless to say I was the only kid at these deals.

by the time I was 21 I had moved into bartending (as in moved my life towards legal occupations) at around 25 I got sober, went back to school, became a fireman/paramedic, started giving back to the community, stopped going to jail, volunteered for the local Fire Dept., trained local kids how to do Cliff Rescues, in short became "respectable" and began "growing up".

I've spent the last 20 years being used a tool by my mother to "rescue" my heroin/meth/opiate addicted sister, to getting her in rehabs, to driving to Mexico to get her when she was pregnant with the junkie she married in Prison....to letting her live with me 5-6 times over the years, even having to stay in hotels while she "kicked" heroin at my house.

so anywaaaay

What happened was, 3 years ago, my mother got sick (alcohol related), my sister was the one who took her to the hospital, then my sister was rushed into the emergency room with a burst appendix.

I was living down south a few hundred miles away, I had a business that was plugging along, worth about 120k a year when i even put a small effort into it, 70k when i hardly ever worked, and considerably more when I actually got off my butt. I lived with a wonderful woman, had long term sobriety, wasn't bursting with joy on a daily basis, but it was a good life, it was my life.

My mother called me, and asked for help, she said if I didn't come up and run her restaurant until she got well, it would go out of business, and it was supporting her, my sister, my niece (infant), and my stepfather.

So I went up to help, I'm a good son you know? I went up three weeks in a row, trying to commute three hours each direction to keep my own business afloat, while I was there I watched my mother, her wrists and ankles were no larger around then pencils, she was working 100 hours a week paying for my sisters place to live, supporting her husband....my mother was dying...literally wasting away in front of my eyes, supporting my sister..."co'ing" my sister who kept relapsing on heroin/meth etc.

They were literally murdering each other.

My mother begged me, on her knees, begged me to move up and run the restaurant, she promised to sign over the restaurant, and her portion of 30 acres so I could build a house, as long as I put the land in trust for my niece ( her granddaughter )

I said no repeatedly, she kept begging.

I finally said yes.

Thus began three years of hell.

After six months, my girlfriend called me, and said "If I'm going to be alone, I need to "be" alone, this is no longer your house, you no longer "live" here, so this is no longer your house. I need to move on"

rightfully so, I had hoped that I would build a home, and eventually we would go back and forth between "the property" and Marin, but I understood where she was coming from, I had just dumped all the money I made selling my business into building my new home.

Thus began my descent into further depths of Dante's Inferno.

I had worked for a few months for free, and finally brought it up to my mother, umm excuse me, my savings are gone, I'm working more then full time, may I have some money please?

Minimum wage.

for running a restaurant.

from120k a year to 16k a year.

the same week, a number of things happened, her husband drove up to look at the house I was building, with my own two hands, and said, "wow, this place is really shaping up, don't spend too much money, I don't want to feel too awful when I kick you out and move into it.

My mother had sat down with me, and we made plans to open for dinner, just all these plans how we were going to make all these changes, quack quack blah blah.

Everything I tried to do met resistance, everyone was saying, Andrew, you can't just burst in here and take over. I was like, ummmm OK, I'm just doing all the things my mother said she wanted done.

That week she told me, "I made a mistake son, I really didn't need you here, I should have just hired a waitress. Sorry. I also really don't want to make any of those changes we talked about, that was just barstool dreaming, I had no idea you would actually try to implement any of it"

She then reneged on everything.

everything.

So there I was....making $250 a week, not nearly enough to get by, living with 3 practicing alcoholics (my aunt and uncle will get their own chapter later) and a junkie who now had a retarded daughter to care for.

I can't even begin to describe the next few years, the lying, the passive aggressive manipulations these people never told the truth about anything never not once not ever, it was all back stabbing power play manipulative bullsh1t.

stepfather had a few old trailers where I was building, it took me 3 months to clean up the area, the beer cans, the trash etc. I asked him to take his trash and...well...I learned....NEVER ask G to take responsibility for his own actions or the repercussions are bad. I think if I remember correctly, my mother decided to hold back a large part of my paycheck that pay period as she said "my drawer was short"

it wasn't about the $$$ being short, it was about showing me who was boss, and "punishing" me for trying to get G to take responsibility for his own stuff.

that sort of communication became the norm, nothing was ever said to me directly, but "punishments" were handed down.

I felt so trapped, I was in my early forties, was always broke, lived 2-3 hours from the nearest large town even, and had no idea what I'd do if I even could leave for a career, I had owned my own business, but it took a lot of money to start, and I wasn't young enough to start over in that line of work (basically a logger that specialized in large and dangerous trees).

When I tried to confront anybody about anything, they lied to me, and then they couldn't understand why I was getting so upset, like for example, my mother announces one day she's done, she's retired, and I'm running the restaurant, but I need to give up my waiter shifts (the only thing keeping me afloat) because she's decided my sister needs to come work, but my sister doesn't feel like cooking, so she's giving my sister all my wait shifts, so my hours doubled and my pay was cut in half.

chapter two tomorrow, I'm sorry to vent, but that thing between tortoise and healthy limits just blew my doors off.

10-25-2008, 12:58 AM	#1 (permalink)
Ago Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA Posts: 2,173 Blog Entries: 3	wow wow....just.........wow I can't even begin to convey how many feelings this thread just brought up for me, http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-feedback.html (Major confusion-Need feedback) I just went through a very similar situation with my family/mother/sister/uncle/stepfather, except I was the one who left 2.5 months ago. I left with no notice after 3 years....no money, no job, just couch surfed until I found a place to live, just got a fairly attractive job offer today actually. The last thing I said to my mother, who...is my mother...I love her...so much ...was, I never want to see you again, I never want to talk to again, even on your deathbed, you are too harmful for me to have in my life any more. I have now severed ties with my uncle, mother, grandmother, 99% of my sister, pretty much my entire matriarchal family...and the truth is I like them as people....they just happen to be super harmful as family. anyway, some background. my parents are both alcoholics that separated, I split time between them, hitchhiking up and down northern California from age ten spend time with both parents, until I ran away from Home at age 16 to live in Hawaii. My mother is a "caretaker" alcoholic, and my father is a "here's ten dollars buy some food and sit in the truck with the dog every night outside the bar until 2AM kind of alcoholic." I basically stayed with my father, living on boats, in other peoples houses, in warehouses, as we moved around so much (17 schools in 15 years) from about the age of ten I was stoned every minute of every day, to by the time I was 13 I was a daily drunk, by that time I was "moving" kilos of pot, had a machine gun and a pistol, and wasn't afraid to use them, I started taking guns to drug deals at about age ten I guess. Needless to say I was the only kid at these deals. by the time I was 21 I had moved into bartending (as in moved my life towards legal occupations) at around 25 I got sober, went back to school, became a fireman/paramedic, started giving back to the community, stopped going to jail, volunteered for the local Fire Dept., trained local kids how to do Cliff Rescues, in short became "respectable" and began "growing up". I've spent the last 20 years being used a tool by my mother to "rescue" my heroin/meth/opiate addicted sister, to getting her in rehabs, to driving to Mexico to get her when she was pregnant with the junkie she married in Prison....to letting her live with me 5-6 times over the years, even having to stay in hotels while she "kicked" heroin at my house. so anywaaaay What happened was, 3 years ago, my mother got sick (alcohol related), my sister was the one who took her to the hospital, then my sister was rushed into the emergency room with a burst appendix. I was living down south a few hundred miles away, I had a business that was plugging along, worth about 120k a year when i even put a small effort into it, 70k when i hardly ever worked, and considerably more when I actually got off my butt. I lived with a wonderful woman, had long term sobriety, wasn't bursting with joy on a daily basis, but it was a good life, it was my life. My mother called me, and asked for help, she said if I didn't come up and run her restaurant until she got well, it would go out of business, and it was supporting her, my sister, my niece (infant), and my stepfather. So I went up to help, I'm a good son you know? I went up three weeks in a row, trying to commute three hours each direction to keep my own business afloat, while I was there I watched my mother, her wrists and ankles were no larger around then pencils, she was working 100 hours a week paying for my sisters place to live, supporting her husband....my mother was dying...literally wasting away in front of my eyes, supporting my sister..."co'ing" my sister who kept relapsing on heroin/meth etc. They were literally murdering each other. My mother begged me, on her knees, begged me to move up and run the restaurant, she promised to sign over the restaurant, and her portion of 30 acres so I could build a house, as long as I put the land in trust for my niece ( her granddaughter ) I said no repeatedly, she kept begging. I finally said yes. Thus began three years of hell. After six months, my girlfriend called me, and said "If I'm going to be alone, I need to "be" alone, this is no longer your house, you no longer "live" here, so this is no longer your house. I need to move on" rightfully so, I had hoped that I would build a home, and eventually we would go back and forth between "the property" and Marin, but I understood where she was coming from, I had just dumped all the money I made selling my business into building my new home. Thus began my descent into further depths of Dante's Inferno. I had worked for a few months for free, and finally brought it up to my mother, umm excuse me, my savings are gone, I'm working more then full time, may I have some money please? Minimum wage. for running a restaurant. from120k a year to 16k a year. the same week, a number of things happened, her husband drove up to look at the house I was building, with my own two hands, and said, "wow, this place is really shaping up, don't spend too much money, I don't want to feel too awful when I kick you out and move into it. My mother had sat down with me, and we made plans to open for dinner, just all these plans how we were going to make all these changes, quack quack blah blah. Everything I tried to do met resistance, everyone was saying, Andrew, you can't just burst in here and take over. I was like, ummmm OK, I'm just doing all the things my mother said she wanted done. That week she told me, "I made a mistake son, I really didn't need you here, I should have just hired a waitress. Sorry. I also really don't want to make any of those changes we talked about, that was just barstool dreaming, I had no idea you would actually try to implement any of it" She then reneged on everything. everything. So there I was....making $250 a week, not nearly enough to get by, living with 3 practicing alcoholics (my aunt and uncle will get their own chapter later) and a junkie who now had a retarded daughter to care for. I can't even begin to describe the next few years, the lying, the passive aggressive manipulations these people never told the truth about anything never not once not ever, it was all back stabbing power play manipulative bullsh1t. stepfather had a few old trailers where I was building, it took me 3 months to clean up the area, the beer cans, the trash etc. I asked him to take his trash and...well...I learned....NEVER ask G to take responsibility for his own actions or the repercussions are bad. I think if I remember correctly, my mother decided to hold back a large part of my paycheck that pay period as she said "my drawer was short" it wasn't about the $$$ being short, it was about showing me who was boss, and "punishing" me for trying to get G to take responsibility for his own stuff. that sort of communication became the norm, nothing was ever said to me directly, but "punishments" were handed down. I felt so trapped, I was in my early forties, was always broke, lived 2-3 hours from the nearest large town even, and had no idea what I'd do if I even could leave for a career, I had owned my own business, but it took a lot of money to start, and I wasn't young enough to start over in that line of work (basically a logger that specialized in large and dangerous trees). When I tried to confront anybody about anything, they lied to me, and then they couldn't understand why I was getting so upset, like for example, my mother announces one day she's done, she's retired, and I'm running the restaurant, but I need to give up my waiter shifts (the only thing keeping me afloat) because she's decided my sister needs to come work, but my sister doesn't feel like cooking, so she's giving my sister all my wait shifts, so my hours doubled and my pay was cut in half. chapter two tomorrow, I'm sorry to vent, but that thing between tortoise and healthy limits just blew my doors off. Last edited by Ago; 10-25-2008 at 01:20 AM.