[shutterbug]

As someone who has had a lot of serious thoughts of suicide over the past several months...I can see that you are right on the edge and need to reach out to others to serve as some support for you right now.

The current situation is an obvious reason to make a person depressed, but your mention of suicidal thoughts 10 years ago also means something else might be going on.

The comments above are good ones. Especially seeking out the help of a doctor. I strongly recommend finding a good psychiatrist and think you might benefit from a full evaluation from a psychologist. When I did mine, i was curious as to what someone in the field might see that I might not have known of or been able to pick up on. It was a pretty simple series of tests lasting about 4 hours.

If you have good insurance coverage...I would suggest IMMEDIATELY seek out a psychologist or liscensed therapists for no less than weekly visits to talk about the things going on right now. They have had patients dealing with similar thoughts and situations and most can offer TONS of suggestions we would never have thought of on our own. My first one suggested a day treatment program for my severe depression. I'd never heard of such, but was VERY thankful to learn of it and start getting daily help for my illness.

If you are back in a situation of thinking at that moment about following thru with any of your thoughts....for your kids sake....call 911. Do NOT be afraid to go to the emergency room!! For your children's sake!!

You are right in that those who commit suicide tend to mention it to others first...and become more interested in the act....BUT in the same token...reading about it will ONLY make you think about more often and more seriously than you already are.

Listen to the things Nandm said about how such an act would affect your children. It will scar them for LIFE!! Seriously. I know that well. My aunt died from either an intentional or accidental overdose when she was 38...and left an 11-year-old and a 6-year-old behind. The youngest daughter was riped completely from her older sister and our entire family....I've only seen her once since....by a near miraculas set of events thru my job and her school that day.

And the older daughter, now 19, has only seen her sister a handful of times in the past 8 years. She dropped out of highschool, and earlier this year was drugged and raped, she can't/won't hold a job....and even tho she DID finally get her GED...she is now 2 months pregnant and moving in with her boyfriend, who also has no motivation for his future. She finds it wonderful that she will now get WIC and other free $ from the state b/c of the pregnancy.

Oh, and did i mention that not only has she started using drugs and drinking....but she's also been SELLING prescription drugs to make extra cash!

You might think our family is horrid and that we must live in a bad-infuential town, but that's not such. She has been in church all her life, up til recently, and our town is quite conservative, with very little crime, comparitively.

I just wanted to share that true story of just how ONE untimely death in my family affected the children of the dead parent. If you truely love them....NOTHING is worth leaving them...especially in such a detrimental way of suicide. Don't worry about the money issue either!! Even if you DO end up in debt over your head....what's a bad credit score compared to having your children around you??

Lastly....to answer your initial question: Yes, you are definetly suicidal. Yes, the situational aspect is a huge part of that. But regardless of if it's all situational OR a combo of situation and an underlying clinical depression issue......the bottom line is that you MUST seek help from those people with degrees and medical liscenses to help get you safely thru all this. Your kids deserve for you to at least try. Right?

(((hugs)))
Jenna