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My ex-wife walked in on me one night lying with each of my 2 children (5 and 3 yrs old) and telling them goodbye... She promptly called the police and they "talked me down". I joined AA and began taking the 12 steps about 6 weeks later and to date have not thought seriously about suicide.
My suggestion, if you cannot stop drinking or drugs long enough to clear your mind to make a conscious decision on recovery then you need to seriously consider treatment. Addicts/alcoholics in the state you (and I) are in have lost the ability to reason, especially when we are drunk/loaded.
This is serious sh!t. Don't deny the feelings that you have, acknowledge them and seek help. As you recover your life will improve and you won't ever have to worry about not seeing your kids. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for them.
I realized that I didn't have the right to f*ck up my kids later in life my being the dad that "offed himself". I had to realize that suicide was the ultimate selfish act of a selfish, self-centered alcoholic. I have now gotten help and have a new life.
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"my mind is a terrible thing, and it must be stopped..."
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