[newguy]

i don't know whats wrong with me, but i think that i shouldn't feel the way i do.
To my close friends and direct family, some of the time i appear very hyperactive or immature in my actions. However, when i am not in this state people find it very hard to interpret my emotions as i have a very expressionless voice and do not communicate well through my facial expressions. I find it incredibly difficult and uncomfortable to communicate and discuss feelings even to those i am closest to.

I find that i am very self conscious and have a great fear of how people view me. This issue has led to an inability to develop any new or even to strenghten existing relationships in my final three years of school. My insecurities have caused me to reject great opportunities because i fear that i may fail or i think only about the negative outcomes of these opportunites. I have just completed my last year of schooling, and the final few weeks of school were very awakening in how my inner struggle has affected my life.

When i am by myself most of the time i feel sad or angry about who i am. I feel a lot of the time that i am not worthy and that noone would miss me if i were gone. These thoughts only promote my feelings of sadness, loneliness and anger, and on more than a few occassions have led me to contemplate suicide. I often find myself crying because of these feelings, but question why i was crying the next day.
I always feel tired and find it very difficult to get out of bed unless somone is depending on me to do something with them.

I have felt this way for such a long time that i know not if i have always felt like this or if there is a better outlook on life. This has caused me lately to experiment with drugs more frequently in an attempt to view life in a different light. I know that if i continue to experiment with drugs that my problems will only get worse, yet i continue to do so. I have seen my brother struggle with drugs and alcohol and the associated problems such as substance induced anxiety and depression etc, and suspected addiction to the medication he takes to treat these problems. Having observed this in my own home, i know that i will not generate a dependence on drugs and alcohol, but i need to find answers to what is wrong with myself, and at this stage i am completely clueless...

I suspect that my issues with communicating my thoughts and emotions combined with my insecurities associated with meeting new people have prevented me from seeking advice from an expert... which is why i have come here to ask the advice of you great people..i just don't want to feel the way i do anymore.