SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post

shutterbug · 10-21-2008, 10:18 PM

LOL.

i git the indian-inspired, life tree bedspread in the mail today. Am I remembering right...that it's for wall art? In the dining room? I can't really remember. It's quite interesting. I like it. (((((thanks!))))

Well, I nearly cancelled my therapy appointment yesterday b/c it was earlier in the day than I've been waking up around lately....but mostly b/c of the gas it costs me to drive up there and back. But i'm glad I didn't.

I was 30 minutes late, but more importantly....I showered!! And in my OWN shower....and reached for a bit more nicer of my clothes than sweats and a wrinkled t-shirt. It felt nice yesterday, so I had the windows down and it felt really good with the wind blowing thru my still-damp hair.

Oh, and I decided to reward myself with an espresso. With the 30 minutes we had left, we talked about my tendency for lateness. I immediately said something about being that way all my life and "I don't know why?" At the end of the session, after some other topics, he had to ask me if I had thought he was wanting me to look at possilities of 'why' i struggle with lateness. He kinda got a giggle out of it and something like my response to him kinda being like he was a school teacher asking me why i was late. LOL

Our discussion tho, had still went into possible reasons for my lateness tendencies, but in a reverse approach. He first had asked what I was feeling when I was calling him to tell him I was running late. I told him I hate that feeling and that's why i've tried texting him before (but didn't have much success with that).

On the drive up, i had been thinking that I tend to underestimate the time it will take to get out the door and any other erronds, like the coffee getting, that will take time before the actual driving to the appointment.

I also told him that, as far as my nerves and things go, I'd rather be late than early b/c i hate waiting. I'm impatient and get bored...and if I bring something along to do while waiting...I don't like to be interrupted in the middle of certian trains of thought. Like reading a book....anytime I'm reading something I have to find stopping point that feels natural to stop there for now. So if i'm in the middle of a paragraph and a doc finally calls me in...it's some type of an anxiety feeling I get....like being caught off-guard somehow, as odd as that sounds.

He also seems interested in talking about my tics. He thought that, like what I've read about some kinds of tics, that I could possibly try to supress the actual muscle jerks. I explained that I don't feel anything prior to the movement, my arm, leg, shoulder or whatever will just jerk, out of the blue. So there's no way i'd ever be able to suppress something I don't even know is about to happen.

I've also realized that I tend to tic more when stress or anxious...or even talking or thinking about the tics.

Then we moved to talking about my ups and downs. I was talking about being able to finally recognize my own hypomanic states and mixed states. For some reason, he was a little surprised that I'm able to do such while still hypo. That happened a few weeks ago also when i was talking about being hypo one day. He was intrigued then b/c he said most people don't see it until after. This time, I explained to him that it was difficult at first for me, but after learning more and being more tuned into my mood on a fully conscious level that I've learned how to recognize it within a few hours usually. And I also explained that the idea of 'mixed' episodes had still perplexed me over the last several years until quite recently and I'm starting to be able to identify them in myself as well. That first time he did say that I am much, much more educated about my mental illness than most patients. So I'm not sure if he was more surprised that I've educated myself enough to this point of being able to recognized my moods fully, while in them,....or something else.

I mean, I know that I've read most ECT patients don't remember much from shortly before going under....some don't remember the hours before and sometimes the whole day or more....but mostly docs talk about them not remember anything about the procedure, room or even the preparation for the treatment. I, however, am a huge exception to that common thought. As I've mentioned before....I remember everything from the minutes before I go under. I've even tried to describe to a few people the interesting feeling that happens right as i'm going under. It's almost 'feels' like a sound of going under water. And feels kinda like a whoosh. It's quite pleasant to me b/c just before I lose consciousness...it's the most relaxed feeling I can imagine. And I always leave my eyes open...as the first think is i start slowly blinking as it takes hold and quickly makes me sleepier and then I close my eyes shut when i can feel that I'm going under, right at that second. For some reason, I love it....even though i get anxious about it before hand - butterflies in my stomach and all. Maybe that's exactly why I love it so much....because it's a release of all that and a dip into pure oblivion. (now the waking up part of going under...ugh...so groggy and foggy and confusing for several minutes. They usually let me sleep for at least an hour tho...i only know that from the rare time mom went with me last time...and was bored, waiting for me to wake enough to be wheeled out the front door.LOL )

So maybe I'm a freak of nature in being able to recall such details about the experience of going under, but oh well.

Anyway, I plan to ask therapist when I see him next...as to more specifically why he seems so surprised about me being tuned into to my mood swings.

My sessions with him have also become more relaxed and flow much better. I'm starting to enjoy them a bit. I even mentioned to him yesterday that I liked the exchange of thoughts that we now do, much better than before when he rarely said anything and just let me talk until i was done with whatever I was saying...and then he'd STILL sit there silent....uncomfortable lengths of time until I'd think of some other possible topic to talk about.

Now I feel like i'm getting more out of our sessions.

-------
Anyway, pushing myself to get up, showered, dressed, coffee'd and to the appointment....jump started me for the rest of the day and I felt good (tho i still felt very close to tears a couple of times for absolutely no reason).

I got some paperwork done and called sis to see if she wanted to go play bingo. I went over to her house to wait for her and spend a little time with my nephews. And we left shortly after. I have some mixed feelings about allowing myself to go play bingo, because I know it's similar to gambling and most compulsive gamblers can't....but i kinda needed to do it as a test for myself.

I mean, it has always been more of a social thing for me...going with a family member usually. The last time it was several of us and I actually won a game while playing the paper bingo cards (which are harder so i usually pay extra for the electrolnic versions, that also offer more cards). It was a small bingo b/c a couple other people bingo'd at the same time. I still split it with my mom and only ended up with $36 or something, but it was fun.

Last night, I didn't win any games, but I didn't feel bad in anyway about it. I enjoyed it. I also was very set on NOT walking thru the doors of the bingo hall that go right into the casino side. My sister did 3 times tho....before, during intermission and after. I stayed in the hall the whole time. So I was also proud of myself for not being tempted to go over there with my sister.

And most of all....I didn't spend all the money I'd brought with me!!! That's a HUGE thing for any gambling addict. I had said, before hand, that I didn't want to spend the entire $30 i took with....and I was really happy about coming out with nearly $10 still in my purse. i could have easily bought more of the special games, which they do btwn every 2 regular games. We never play all the specials and i didn't vear from that.

I also realize I could easily be trying to rationalize that i can control my addiction, and i'm open to that possibility, but it just feels completely different for me to play bingo than playing the machines. If i'd have stuck a single dollar in a machine....I'd have left with nothing and then possibly try to go back later with one of the blank money orders I got yesterday to pay 2 bills...and then been there all night until I'd spent every cent....(or won a really nice amount, which almost never happens to me).

So....instead....my mind was free from any cravings/compulsions/obsessions about any of that....and so I was able to still meet up with my friend to go walking that evening liked we'd planned.

It was a nice day.

Oh, and my nephews were unusually lovey. the blond came up behind me while i was squatting and looking for one of my earings his brother said he found. And, while standing up, he leaned over my back to put his head on my shoulder, his thumb in his mouth and his other hand twirling my hair. Then he asked why I never stay the night anymore and why did I have to leave again...and then telling me, "I want you to stay for a week... just once." He said it with his hand by giving me the #1 sign with his finger. LOL I REALLY enjoyed that.

And my friend and I had a nice conversation while walking and for a bit after.

And I got to talk to Tena for several hours also. She was wide awake and it was still my normal awake time so we just chatted until, for a change, I got sleepy, LOL.

-----
the only negative affect from my nice day was a headache that won't go away. I actually woke this morning feeling awful...almost like having the most horrid and full-bodied hangover. I've actually never had a hangover like that so it probably felt closer to having been hit by a motorcycle at 40 mph. I feel better, but still have the giant headache.

i'm still hoping to get SOMETHING done around here before I go back to bed for the night.

EVEN my horescope is bugging me about it:

Tuesday, Oct 21st, 2008 -- It's time for you to get moving. You've had a few days to process your feelings and think about what's ahead, but now you cannot put off the inevitable. Instead of waiting for the perfect moment, take the first steps toward your predetermined goal. It may take you a while to get there, so don't delay any longer.

that pretty much sums up my outlook on my goals of getting a lot more things done around here before Tena and Danny arrive. I haven't been able to get off my butt to move boxes out of my bedroom so i can set the bed up and drench it in the loviliness of the rich textiles Tena picked out and sent to me. I really can't wait so I hope my energies from yesterday will stick around enough for me to get things things done that i really want to get done.

well, i've nearly typed a book here at SR in the past several hours....so...adios.

Jenna

10-21-2008, 10:18 PM	#101 (permalink)
shutterbug A picture's worth a 1000 words Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder Posts: 2,947 Blog Entries: 5	LOL. i git the indian-inspired, life tree bedspread in the mail today. Am I remembering right...that it's for wall art? In the dining room? I can't really remember. It's quite interesting. I like it. (((((thanks!)))) Well, I nearly cancelled my therapy appointment yesterday b/c it was earlier in the day than I've been waking up around lately....but mostly b/c of the gas it costs me to drive up there and back. But i'm glad I didn't. I was 30 minutes late, but more importantly....I showered!! And in my OWN shower....and reached for a bit more nicer of my clothes than sweats and a wrinkled t-shirt. It felt nice yesterday, so I had the windows down and it felt really good with the wind blowing thru my still-damp hair. Oh, and I decided to reward myself with an espresso. With the 30 minutes we had left, we talked about my tendency for lateness. I immediately said something about being that way all my life and "I don't know why?" At the end of the session, after some other topics, he had to ask me if I had thought he was wanting me to look at possilities of 'why' i struggle with lateness. He kinda got a giggle out of it and something like my response to him kinda being like he was a school teacher asking me why i was late. LOL Our discussion tho, had still went into possible reasons for my lateness tendencies, but in a reverse approach. He first had asked what I was feeling when I was calling him to tell him I was running late. I told him I hate that feeling and that's why i've tried texting him before (but didn't have much success with that). On the drive up, i had been thinking that I tend to underestimate the time it will take to get out the door and any other erronds, like the coffee getting, that will take time before the actual driving to the appointment. I also told him that, as far as my nerves and things go, I'd rather be late than early b/c i hate waiting. I'm impatient and get bored...and if I bring something along to do while waiting...I don't like to be interrupted in the middle of certian trains of thought. Like reading a book....anytime I'm reading something I have to find stopping point that feels natural to stop there for now. So if i'm in the middle of a paragraph and a doc finally calls me in...it's some type of an anxiety feeling I get....like being caught off-guard somehow, as odd as that sounds. He also seems interested in talking about my tics. He thought that, like what I've read about some kinds of tics, that I could possibly try to supress the actual muscle jerks. I explained that I don't feel anything prior to the movement, my arm, leg, shoulder or whatever will just jerk, out of the blue. So there's no way i'd ever be able to suppress something I don't even know is about to happen. I've also realized that I tend to tic more when stress or anxious...or even talking or thinking about the tics. Then we moved to talking about my ups and downs. I was talking about being able to finally recognize my own hypomanic states and mixed states. For some reason, he was a little surprised that I'm able to do such while still hypo. That happened a few weeks ago also when i was talking about being hypo one day. He was intrigued then b/c he said most people don't see it until after. This time, I explained to him that it was difficult at first for me, but after learning more and being more tuned into my mood on a fully conscious level that I've learned how to recognize it within a few hours usually. And I also explained that the idea of 'mixed' episodes had still perplexed me over the last several years until quite recently and I'm starting to be able to identify them in myself as well. That first time he did say that I am much, much more educated about my mental illness than most patients. So I'm not sure if he was more surprised that I've educated myself enough to this point of being able to recognized my moods fully, while in them,....or something else. I mean, I know that I've read most ECT patients don't remember much from shortly before going under....some don't remember the hours before and sometimes the whole day or more....but mostly docs talk about them not remember anything about the procedure, room or even the preparation for the treatment. I, however, am a huge exception to that common thought. As I've mentioned before....I remember everything from the minutes before I go under. I've even tried to describe to a few people the interesting feeling that happens right as i'm going under. It's almost 'feels' like a sound of going under water. And feels kinda like a whoosh. It's quite pleasant to me b/c just before I lose consciousness...it's the most relaxed feeling I can imagine. And I always leave my eyes open...as the first think is i start slowly blinking as it takes hold and quickly makes me sleepier and then I close my eyes shut when i can feel that I'm going under, right at that second. For some reason, I love it....even though i get anxious about it before hand - butterflies in my stomach and all. Maybe that's exactly why I love it so much....because it's a release of all that and a dip into pure oblivion. (now the waking up part of going under...ugh...so groggy and foggy and confusing for several minutes. They usually let me sleep for at least an hour tho...i only know that from the rare time mom went with me last time...and was bored, waiting for me to wake enough to be wheeled out the front door.LOL ) So maybe I'm a freak of nature in being able to recall such details about the experience of going under, but oh well. Anyway, I plan to ask therapist when I see him next...as to more specifically why he seems so surprised about me being tuned into to my mood swings. My sessions with him have also become more relaxed and flow much better. I'm starting to enjoy them a bit. I even mentioned to him yesterday that I liked the exchange of thoughts that we now do, much better than before when he rarely said anything and just let me talk until i was done with whatever I was saying...and then he'd STILL sit there silent....uncomfortable lengths of time until I'd think of some other possible topic to talk about. Now I feel like i'm getting more out of our sessions. ------- Anyway, pushing myself to get up, showered, dressed, coffee'd and to the appointment....jump started me for the rest of the day and I felt good (tho i still felt very close to tears a couple of times for absolutely no reason). I got some paperwork done and called sis to see if she wanted to go play bingo. I went over to her house to wait for her and spend a little time with my nephews. And we left shortly after. I have some mixed feelings about allowing myself to go play bingo, because I know it's similar to gambling and most compulsive gamblers can't....but i kinda needed to do it as a test for myself. I mean, it has always been more of a social thing for me...going with a family member usually. The last time it was several of us and I actually won a game while playing the paper bingo cards (which are harder so i usually pay extra for the electrolnic versions, that also offer more cards). It was a small bingo b/c a couple other people bingo'd at the same time. I still split it with my mom and only ended up with $36 or something, but it was fun. Last night, I didn't win any games, but I didn't feel bad in anyway about it. I enjoyed it. I also was very set on NOT walking thru the doors of the bingo hall that go right into the casino side. My sister did 3 times tho....before, during intermission and after. I stayed in the hall the whole time. So I was also proud of myself for not being tempted to go over there with my sister. And most of all....I didn't spend all the money I'd brought with me!!! That's a HUGE thing for any gambling addict. I had said, before hand, that I didn't want to spend the entire $30 i took with....and I was really happy about coming out with nearly $10 still in my purse. i could have easily bought more of the special games, which they do btwn every 2 regular games. We never play all the specials and i didn't vear from that. I also realize I could easily be trying to rationalize that i can control my addiction, and i'm open to that possibility, but it just feels completely different for me to play bingo than playing the machines. If i'd have stuck a single dollar in a machine....I'd have left with nothing and then possibly try to go back later with one of the blank money orders I got yesterday to pay 2 bills...and then been there all night until I'd spent every cent....(or won a really nice amount, which almost never happens to me). So....instead....my mind was free from any cravings/compulsions/obsessions about any of that....and so I was able to still meet up with my friend to go walking that evening liked we'd planned. It was a nice day. Oh, and my nephews were unusually lovey. the blond came up behind me while i was squatting and looking for one of my earings his brother said he found. And, while standing up, he leaned over my back to put his head on my shoulder, his thumb in his mouth and his other hand twirling my hair. Then he asked why I never stay the night anymore and why did I have to leave again...and then telling me, "I want you to stay for a week... just once." He said it with his hand by giving me the #1 sign with his finger. LOL I REALLY enjoyed that. And my friend and I had a nice conversation while walking and for a bit after. And I got to talk to Tena for several hours also. She was wide awake and it was still my normal awake time so we just chatted until, for a change, I got sleepy, LOL. ----- the only negative affect from my nice day was a headache that won't go away. I actually woke this morning feeling awful...almost like having the most horrid and full-bodied hangover. I've actually never had a hangover like that so it probably felt closer to having been hit by a motorcycle at 40 mph. I feel better, but still have the giant headache. i'm still hoping to get SOMETHING done around here before I go back to bed for the night. EVEN my horescope is bugging me about it: Tuesday, Oct 21st, 2008 -- It's time for you to get moving. You've had a few days to process your feelings and think about what's ahead, but now you cannot put off the inevitable. Instead of waiting for the perfect moment, take the first steps toward your predetermined goal. It may take you a while to get there, so don't delay any longer. that pretty much sums up my outlook on my goals of getting a lot more things done around here before Tena and Danny arrive. I haven't been able to get off my butt to move boxes out of my bedroom so i can set the bed up and drench it in the loviliness of the rich textiles Tena picked out and sent to me. I really can't wait so I hope my energies from yesterday will stick around enough for me to get things things done that i really want to get done. well, i've nearly typed a book here at SR in the past several hours....so...adios. Jenna __________________ I'M FINE!! Fanatically Insecure Neuratic & Emotional Bipolar/Depression support: 1-800-950-NAMI(6264).