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i kinda feel like i'm in a black void right now.
my brain is broken again, for the moment.

i keep forgetting about important things.
which feels like what we do about things that arn't that important to us....except these things are important, and many are very time sensative.

It feels kinda like i'm sleep-walking thru my waking hours right now.

i did actually get out today for more than just a run to get some fast food or go gamble. I went to a favorite annex store where i found two decadent place settings that are LENEX china. Regularly costing a total of $220, but i got them for $21. I also picked up some other nice things, then rushed off to a GA meeting....cried my eyes out in front of these people i've only met 3 times now, then went to deposit a check in the night box at the back, then picked up med scripts at pharmacy and only THEN when thru a fast-food drive thru and came home.

But, after eating, i feel asleep again instead of doing any of the things i need and want to get done around home. I MUST find the little digital camera that's here somewhere, and never even been opened. And i MUST get a few more things boxed and mailed to Tena ASAP, and gather laundry and things to take with me today to sis's while i'm house/dog sitting for her this weekend.

AND i forgot to call my friend to confirm if we're going to start walking today or tomorrow....and also promised my little cousin i'd call her Fri evening also to let her know.

Also, in the past 2 days, I've said things to 3 different people that i regret saying.

1. my lil' cousin actually called me, which i was really excited for her to call me, and when we were talking about her being pregnant and thanking me for being supportive....i said to her that i don't understand how family are ever NOT supportive of a young girl who gets pregnant b/c regardless if they think the person was irresponsible or stupid or whatever....there's no turning back time so why not support them in the reality of things.

i realized, as i said it....that i was basically saying to her that i thought she was stupid and irrisponsible for getting pregnant, which frankly i do think that, but she already is aware of that and i didn't want to throw it in her face in anyway like that. Especially, since she feels differently....as in 'everything happens for a reason' and i knew months (and even several years ago) that she was wanting to get pregnant so she doesn't see this as a bad thing. She thinks she's grown enough and responsible enough to handle it.....even tho she only just got a car, got it impounded the 2nd day and only just got it back out.....is selling Xanax for money.....and doesn't have a place to live (is hopping from friend-to-friend's house inbetween staying at her boyfriend's.

but she's got it all figured out now. and even tho she couldn't handle changing 1 dirty diaper on my nephews not long ago....she's prepared she says.

Anyway, instead of dwelling on how unprepared and immature i think she is to raise a child, i'd rather spend my energies supporting her in this situation and in helping her possibly prepare (for example, i picked up a book for her today about caring for children when they get sick and i have some infant clothes and a baby blanket to give to her and asked if she was on pre-natals and offered to driver her to any doc appts).

I just don't want to make her feel worse or make anything harder on her, but rather the opposite. She's had a tough enough life already at just 19.

2. in talking about cameras with Tena's Danny, i mentioned the one picture i've seen of him and said he reminded me of the photographer i worked with at the old newspaper....and proceeded to tell him how that photographer had taken a picture of me when i was in pre-school and published in the same paper he's still working at...and which i ended up working beside him as a photographer for. To me, i was trying to say how neat i thought it was that i found that clipped photo from the newspaper when i was little and how neat i thought it was that i ended up working beside the same photographer, but it came out sounding more like i was talking about how old that photographer was. And said that, like Danny, he'd also had strong feelings about only using the kind of camera he was use to...rather than switching to the new, pro-digitals i'd convinced management to finally invest in. That photographer was even close to being upset/angry with me for a little while, but it didn't take long for him to adapt....and no longer has to spend hours developing, drying and individually scanning negatives and images.

Basically, i'd like to appologize to Danny for sounding like i was calling him 'old.' That wasn't my intent.

3. And i feel bad for something i also said to Tena Fri evening about not telling her to buy anything else for my house b/c there's places here that often have the same or similar kinds of things for dramatically cheaper prices. Frankly, i sounded totally ungrateful and judgemental of her help. That's the last emotions or thoughts i ever want to portray!!!!

i know that my words came out of my own insecurities and issues of feeling unworthy of help from others, espcially on the scale her and Danny have been, and i hate that i can't just accept it like normal people. i also know that my words came out of not wanting their resources to go towards anything for me b/c i care about them so much and would feel more comfortable if it was all going toward their hopes and dreams and needs.

I think i know Tena and Danny well enough to know that they haven't been very upset, if at all, by my words....but it bothered me and i just felt like i needed to talk about these 3 clear incidents in my past 2 days with 3 different people.

basically, right now....i guess i'm not sure if i'm myself....and don't know if i have total control over who's running my mouth, etc., ....if that makes any sense at all.

Anyway, my head hurts....i'm laying back down and am sure i'll fall right back to sleep.

hugs,
jenna