[shutterbug]

i agree with DancingGirl, your words/post is well written and exspressed.

The problem is not you, as you know already deep down somewhere, the problem is the illness. You really have no more control over it than if you had a 'physical' illness like cancer, a leg amputated or even the flu. None of us choose to get ill or hurt....we can only choose to try and keep moving forward as best we can, WITHOUT putting ourselves down for not being the "perfect" picture of ourselves (however we see that perfect picture being), b/c the truth is there IS NO perfect picture. So, try to stop beating yourself up for being HUMAN!!!!

A typo is nothing you should be putting yourself down for!! Jimminy Christmas, I worked as a news writer for 2.5 years and i'm a horrid speller and always have TONS of typos!

Sweetie, that's what editors are paid for! Even the BEST, PULITZER PRIZE WINNING writers in the world have tons of editors backing them and correcting their writting and typos. It's as normal as breathing for us. Would you ever put yourself down for breathing?

You can and will make it through this episode and you WILL get better. The most important thing you can do until then is to learn to accept yourself as a human who gets ill sometimes. And try to cut yourself some slack.

i know how hard that is b/c i'm my own worst nightmare. NO ONE can or ever will hurt me as much as i hurt myself, but i'm working on these same things that i'm writing to you in this post.

What I DO see you doing right now that is unhealthy is using the games as an escape. I'm not saying you are wrong for doing so, I'm just saying that it's a good thing to recognize in yourself and work on slowly moving into the real world where live, 3D people can be here for you and make you laugh and feel good about yourself JUST for who you are as a person and NOT how good you are at doing anything.

And I'm not being a hypocrite here either, b/c my most shameful thing right now in my life is that I use gambling to escape from myself. In some ways....moving our attentions into games (my gambling is done thru gaming video machines).....is a way of letting go of whatever we are dealing with our real lives and putting all our hopes and dreams into the games that we tend to feel safer living in. But the truth is....we are both in much WORSE danger to ourselves by these actions.

That's just a few thoughts to maybe ponder.

---

The main thing i want to ask about is what other meds are you on besides Zoloft?

I appologize, but i can't remember if you've stated what your diagnosis is or any other details?

I also know what you are talking about with the severe anxiety. This year, my anxiety was sooooo bad that normal sounds or movement would have me nearly jumping out of my skin and would make my heart pound so bad it would sometimes feel like it would pop right through my chest!

My startle response was totally OVER-VIGILANT!

What has helped me has been the Lamictal. Not only does it help level my moods, but it also helps pull me out of the deeper depressive days AND i didn't realize until after my pdoc pulled me off if it for a couple of weeks....that it was REALLY helping my anxiety too....as well as helping me not to become so overwhelmed and stressed out by my own thoughts. (And as a bipolar II, which means i often have body aches and struggles during my depressions, the Lamictal helps a LOT with that as well).

Actually, it was my therapist who pointed out that Lamictal is also prescribed to patients with ADHD and also gets prescribed to some patients who's main problem is pain management. I can testify that within just a couple of days of running out of it or forgetting it....I start getting headaches daily and shortly after is when my body aches and pains return.

To me...it's been the most helpful med i've had...but it's also taken a couple of years for me to work up to my helpful dosage and to also be on a couple of other anti-depressants that seem to work well with the Lamictal.

But that is all what's just worked best for me. Everyone is different.

I guess my main point is that you should talk with your pdoc about all this and see what medicine additions (or changes) might could help you right now.

Actually, I would STRONGLY suggest you print out your above journal post and give a copy of your own words/struggles to your pdoc (and therapist, if seeing one).

Hang in there. It's not the fall that's fatal to us....it's the whole 'hitting the ground' part. LOL. So just keep reaching out and grabbing all the help you can right now....it's okay ya know....it's okay to ask and recieve help. And there's a lot of people in the world who love nothing more than holding out their hands for us to grab hold of when we need a helping hand the most.

It's okay.

love and hugs,
Jenna

p.s. BTW, i don't even know when i took a shower last, but i can tell you for certain that i've only had 2 in at least the past 2 weeks...and my waist-length hair hasn't been brushed in over 2 weeks. I just keep it tied in a knot ontop of my head and clipped. And i went for at least 5 days wearing the same clothes. It's yukky, i know, but i'm ill and have a lot more important things going on right now....like surviving among the picture of 'poverty.'

But the truth is, i'm much MORE ashamed of my gambling than i am of my self-care issues. I've nearly learned not to shame myself into feeling bad about being severly depressed and for not being able to care for my own body properly.

I'm alive.
And THAT is a success!

:atv