[shutterbug]

Morning Nan!

Yeah, they are oak wood floors under the yucky carpet that's been down for over 35 years. The oak is soooo solid that the plumber had a terrible time cutting thru it! I thought he was going to break the tip right off his electric saw!! All it was doing was BARELY making marks in the wood. lol

The plan is to get the carpet up and just paint the floors until we get around to sanding or whatever. The bare floors looks so horrible from the years and the pets that i couldn't handle looking at it un-painted for any length of time. But, i think the plan is to eventually rent a professional sander and sand the floor, at least 1 room, down to the pretty and fresh wood grain and then stain or whatever is needed to make it nice and sealed.

I'm glad to hear that you were able to see the emotionally unavailable side of things and have been able to work on that and grow closer with your children. You deserve a HUGE round of applause for that!!

My fear is that my sister is so stubborn and has such a superiority complex that I'm fearful that she'll never see any of what you've discovered. I've kept thinking about it lately and it boggles me that my sister doesn't have any addiction issues (other than work). I also wonder if she 'might' have gambling issues as well. Her live-in, ex-husband is addicted to gambling and is why he is her slave....b/c she controls his life and his money and he won't seek help for himself. But, my sister gambles a lot also as an escape (same reason i started), but it doesn't really appear that it's grown out of control for her.

However, even our lil' cousin commented to me that she's in awe about my sister recently having such financial troubles. She had been REALLY struggling to pay the bills and everything and was desperately racing to re-finance her home to help her get by. Like our lil' cousin said, "she's always been soooo responsible financially," and she just didn't understand how my sister, of all people, could get in such a situation.

i know part of my sister's problem is un-controlled shopping at times. Once she got the home loan or whatever it was, she both several things including a huge office desk and nice cushy chair that she was adimate about setting up in the living room. Her ex-husband and i knew it would look rediculous where she was putting it, but that's what she wanted and where.

I also knew she wouldn't use it...and she doesn't. It's just a storage spot for junk....like a junk drawer, except there's no drawers so everything u can imagine is sprawled everywhere that you car hardly find a place to set down a glass. I'm sure she spent at least $300 on this piece of furniture she never uses and looks totally out of place in her living room. But if she wants somethng, she wants it.

I don't know.

I do know that i too am codependant and have to hold myself back from getting in other people's lives and i'm more than sure that I shouldn't have my sis and nephews on my mind this much, but i don't have children and she's my only blood sister (tho Tena is my only true sister) so it's hard to pull myself back completely.

Also, one thing i've learned since my starting toward working on a non-codie life style....is that it can be lonely! When u don't have children, a significant other or many friends (for about a year i only had my mom!)....well, it's lonely.

I'm sure many would say that's not b/c of changing my codie ways, but for me it has been a big part of it.....directly b/c of the people in my life - like my sister and my dad. They don't see how they use others....all they see is if YOU are there for THEM. And if you're not, then you must not care. Maybe my sister cares a little about me, but honestly if i'm not stuck in a codie pattern with me the giver and her the taker, then we don't have a relationship. Same with my dad (only he tries a little at first, only to end up being worse than sis soon after).

My mom, on the other hand, is a giver, but a resentful one who makes the person feel guilty even when they are trying to repay her favors in small, but fairly consistant efforts. She is quick to give, but even quicker to hold it over your head.

Me....I suppose I'm not without fault in the mix either. How could i be! I'm a bit of both i suppose. I resented my ex-fiance a great deal for my having to support him while i put myself through college and him spending any money he did make (from a job i forced him to get) on himself and his car. I did hold that over his head all the time when we would fight -- which was usually caused from him accusing me of no good while i was at work or him just being a lazy, cheating looser. But all that also was my fault for putting up with it rather than just ending it for good way before i finally did.

But, somewhere along the way....i just stopped giving to others of myself and money (for the most part) and started focusing on me instead. So now i often feel selfish and guilty for NOT being more helpful to others. And i definetly feel guilty if someone helps me and i can't return the help fairly quickly b/c then i feel selfish. And even tho i see both sides to that...i can't change how strongly i feel such.

The kindness Tena and Danny have shown me and continue to is one huge, giant test of all that. No one has ever given so much to me in my life. I try not to think about it, but it's hard for me to wrap my head around and not feel emotions about it.

Just like when my mom and step-dad came to help me move this last time. It was like 105 degree weather and the 3 of us loaded the bed of a truck and a giant trailer to the brim (so much that 1/2 of the stuff tumbled out of the trailer and we had to re-load that stuff and tie it all back up better).

The problem for me was that i'm not as fit and definetly was still very, very ill (emotionally, mentally and physically -- remember i didn't eat for 3 days straight the week of my firing and barely ate for weeks before that, loosing nearly 20 pounds in that last week). So i had to take MANY more resting breaks from caring boxes and things. And i had about 20 boxes of really heavy books and old cameras.

it was excrutiatingly painful for me to have to take breaks while watching them continue working. I tried to get them to take breaks with me, but they wouldn't stop. I knew i would get very physically ill if i hadn't been taking the breaks. And i hated when my mom moved heavy things by herself -- she has more back trouble than i do most times.

the guy smoking buddy from the paper had told me that there was a compuany that would move you for $200 - truck, labor and all. I was frightened of having money to live on, since i didn't know how long it'd take before i'd get my first check for unemployment benefits, but i would have MUCH rather spent the money than to have witnessed them working so miserably to help me move. But mom wouldn't have allowed that since they are very miserly.

But as a result, i feel a giant weight of edebtedness to them for that move alone.

So, Tena's not going to like me saying this, but once they arrive and start helping me around here....well, i probably need to stay in therapy right now if for that alone. As odd as I'm sure it seems, it's going to be VERY difficult to accept such help. But that's also a big reason why i feel such a strong need to send them pictures of the inside and outside of this place before they arrive -- so they'll know what they are truely getting themselves into. I know I'd want to run and hide! lol

I mean, i wish I'd take pics as soon as the first day i started sleeping here....back when a person could barely walk thru a single room. But even now with all the work i've done so far...it's still a nightmare, barely livable.

So, it's an extreme mixure of excitement and fear. But mostly, I can't wait for the company of the two angels. It's going to be a weird thing to have two people so close who care about me so much. Hopefully, it will help teach me how to accept love - a foriegn concept to me.

Nan....thank you soooo much for your view on the whole 'higher power' topic. GA is based off of AA, which is part of why it was a little difficult to make the move to attend meetings. I'm not really a fan of the 12 steps, but i know they work well.

Not believing fully in 'God' is completely against the way i've been all my life. I mean, church attending was a very religious thing for me growing up (and not b/c of my family, but my 'adopted family'). I attended every Sunday morning, night and Wednesday service ...and Bible quizzing meetings during other days. And now....now i feel like a giant sinner for questioning the existance of God.

One of the last big prayers i said was that the guy i'd been talking to online would call me on the phone the day i got fired (i'd called him first and left a message). And i prayed that if a relationship with him wasn't meant to be that he'd facilitate some fairly easy ending to it all before it got to a point that would really hurt me.

Both happened. I spent a couple hours the evening of my firing laughing my butt off from talking to this very comedic and sarcastic guy. I didn't tell him about any of my troubles or firing and I went to bed that night smiling instead of contemplating suicide as i had the night (and many days and nights that week) before. And then within a week or two of mostly casual conversations texting and phoning....he stopped right as he was suppose to be coming back to our state and town. It did hurt a bit (as obvious from my previous journals about him), but it didn't devistate me like it had if I'd have met him and anything had really started and then been rejected.

And the funny thing? That in that prayer.....I said something like, "God,if u really do exist....please, I beg you."

And perhaps he did.

But, i also have a lot of other thoughts and feelings about how a 'God of love' can possibly allow so much pain and suffering to continue in this world.

So, i don't know.

that's why i appreciate your view of a 'higher power.' Because i've struggled with the outloud readings done at some of the GA meetings that specifically say 'God.'

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Here's a side note: My mom is also very religious and attends church now every Sunday and often on Wednesdays and even volunteers for special events. And anyone with Christianity in their current or past life knows about tithing and how we are suppose to tithe 10 %.

Well, the funny thing is that when here tax friend was going over my tax stuff with me for 2007, she mentioned my donation to the United Way through my paycheck from work (the total was divided into the number of paychecks in the year and then that much was taken out every two weeks from my pay).

My mom scoulded me for having donated the amount i did!! She said it would have been that much more $ to have helped me, even AFTER i pointed out to her that it was ONLY 5% of my income....and not even the full 10% commanded by the Bible.

Isn't it funny how people can be so hippacritical!

hugs,
Jenna