[nandm]

Wow, Jenna you have been busy. Glad to see the update.

Are there wood floors under the carpet? If so you might be able to salvage them and get them looking nice again without a lot of trouble. I just love real wood floors. I think they give a house character.

I am proud of you for going to GA. I know it can be hard to get started in something like that. For me it was and is AA. But the rewards gained from following a 12 step program can be awesome. For me I lost the obsession to drink. My life today is so much better than my life drinking. I have also learned the tools that help me manage my own side of the street rather than spending my time trying to change things I have no control over. I hope you continue and that it works for you. I am assuming that GA has steps like AA. One thing I had big issues with at first with AA was the "God/Higher Power" thing. I finally got around my issues by using the concept of electricity. All living things have an electricity in them. Our hearts work on an electrical system. That is what keeps it beating, the firing of the different nodes on different areas of the heart. Our muscles also work with an electrical type thing. Electricity/energy is what powers thunderstorms. Plants utilize energy to grow, not only do the use energy but they are producers of it. So long story short here what I used was the fact that I don't fully understand how electricity/energy works or is produced but I know it is more powerful than I, so it is a Power greater than myself. From this simple concept I have been able to expand that concept utilizing Buddist and American Indian concepts. Today I still don't believe in the God of religion but I do accept that there is a power in the universe that is definately more powerful than I.

Onto a different topic. I can relate so much to your sister in what you are describing. I am sure our reasons are probably different but I was very much like your sister. I would work 2 and 3 jobs while my children were young and felt that since I was providing for them financially that I was being a good parent. What I was missing though was the fact that I was not there emotionally for my children. I think it has to do a lot with during my childhood I learned to hide my emotions and disconnect from them to escape the reality I lived in. Unfortunately, I did not realize how unavailble I was to my children until I was several years sober. Today I am still working on unlearning the disassociation of my feelings and be more of a mother to my children but it has taken a long time to make the little progress I have made so far. My emotional unavailability created a lot of problems for my children but fortunately, they realize today that it was not because I did not love them but rather because I am sick. They are supportive of me as they know I am doing my best to work through all this and become the person I can be; a person who is emotionally there for those that I love rather than the person I was (and in some ways still am) that gives material things to people to show my love and care for them since I have so much trouble expressing my care for them any other way. I don't know if this helps you understand your sister any better as I have no way of knowing if she is like me in that respect but I do hope it helps in some way.

I am glad you are back online. You were missed. I am glad you have got some meds to get you through for a while. Hopefully they can get you through until you can afford to get more. Let me know if you or Live can think of anything else that might help your home feel more like home. I might be able to come up with something......maybe my next painting will be a butterfly (I might try abstract for that). If it turns out ok then I will send it to you.