[shutterbug]

okay, where to start.

--> I haven't 'officially' gambled since my first GA meeting on Thursday, but i did slip in a small way by buying a scratch ticket at the gas station when i went in to pay gas. It was a $2 ticket and i won $18 (so really only $16).

I am especially proud of myself for staying at sis's friday night and not being tempted to drive down the road to the biggest casino in our town.

i have a plan to NOT deposit my unemployment checks for a while. Not having the money in the bank is a HUGE help...especially since i tend to gamble in the middle of the night and there's no where for me to cash the check(s) in the middle of the night.

That said, i still am aware of the $ i DO have in my checking account and just in this moment i felt a bit of a strong pang to go play. But i won't.

The plan this week is to open a savings account at another bank and deposit ALL non-necessary income into that account. If they send an ATM card then I am going to cut it up. I don't want to have any kind of fast or simple access to that money. I NEED a camera....and if the money isn't in my checking acct, then i won't spend it.

i did really well about not gaming when i didn't know where i was going to get $ to pay the bills and eat with...or put gas into my car for my doc appts in the city. $ seems to burn a hole in my pocket if i 'know' it's in my checking acct.

My goal is to have $1,000 (or a camera purchased) by the time Tena and Danny arrive.

i believe i can 'win' over this addiction by choosing other ways to focus my time and energy.

--> Which, is partially why i contacted my former best friend from when i worked at my hometown paper....about starting back walking again. We use to go after work 2-3 times a week.

She was soooooo excited about me e-mailing her to ask if she'd want to start walking again. She said she's gained about 20 pounds above what she already desperately needed to lose for her own health issues and so her husband and doc have been pushing her to start back walking. She said she just didn't want to go walking by herself (and like me, she's not a morning person so the only real time for her to walk is in the evenings after work...and sometimes she works quite late, which works well for me also).

So, she's determined to start walking with me by week's end. Which will be good for us both, physically AND emotionally and mentally.

I also messaged another former employee from that old paper who's stayed in touch over the years and asked her if she'd like to walk with us as well. And Tena has expressed interest in walking also when she gets here.

i think it's great to have several people in a 'girls walking group' b/c that way if 1 or 2 don't feel like walking 1 day then the others will still have someone to walk with that day.

--> With my meds all messed up right now, so has my energy level. Especially being out of my Lamictal (which i just found 1/2 a bottle i still have) and my Lamictal and being out of the Welbutrin for a couple weeks (which is now fixed also).

But it's obviously the Provigil that mostly helps my fatigue and wakefullness. So, i haven't hardly done any work on the house in a week or so. In fact, the only thing i've done in the past 3-4 days has been moving the living room around a bit to bring my desk in here and then hooking up this computer. (oh...and constantly attacking my ant infestation with windex, lol. i've GOT to get some vinager!)

---> Tena, I keep hoping I'll find that little digital camera my mom gave me a few months back, but i still haven't yet. I am still looking for it tho. I know it's here....somewhere. i want to take pics of the rooms and house to show u what kind of mess u guys are going to be walking into BEFORE u get here. If i can't find it by this week then i'm going to buy a throw-away one or something.

I also just realized that I need to make sure that the outside water facet works so we can hook up a water hose to your trailer; same with electrical outlet (which we can always run and extention cord through a window if needed, that wouldn't be hard at all). Mainly, I'm going to have to have my step-dad look at the water faucet out back. I kinda looked at it a bit last week and perhaps it just needs a new handle put on it, but i'm not sure. I'm going to get one of my tools out and see if i can turn it on. I think it's the only spout on the house. Would u like me to have a water hose already hooked up for when u get here or do you have one already?

Is the time-line still the same as before? I still want to send a few more things b4 you leave there. My brain is broken tho...i know there's several things i'm wanting to send u but right now all i can think of is the book on CD and a few more small blue things. Is there anythng u can think of that i'm forgetting already?

--> I'm going to try and push my step-dad to take a look at my washing machine this wekk. I really have soooooo many clothes and things that i want to get washed and put away.

--> i also hope to get enough energy and motivation to finish pulling up the carpet in the living room, paint the floor. If i can get both those tasks done that will be great....especially if i can make myself go even further and pull the carpet up in one of the other 2 rooms that need it done.

I definetly want to have all the carpet pulled up and floors painted (and all walls painted with a base coate) before u get here. I think that will make things so much better for a starting point by having that already done. Hopefully that's not just wishful thinking as i really want to have that part over with.

--> Taxes: i'm still working on tax stuff - and will be for a while. I suppose it's not-so-bad since i can work thru all that stuff on the days i don't feel like doing any physical tasks around here.

I'm praying that my federal tax refund WON'T go to my student loans, but if it does, it does. I only got 1/2 of the state refund i had coming....b/c apparently i owed about $50 from 2002 and so i had to pay about another $50 in penalties.

And, like i'd feared....filing my 2007 taxes perked up the IRS to my not having filed for several years. So, i got a letter telling me i need to file my 2006 taxes. Luckily, they didn't threaten with a deadline or anything, but the sooner i get my 2006 filed, the sooner i can start working on my 2005 and so on. I think i have to go clear back to 2002 or 2003 to get me all squared away. Ugh.

I'm just lucky to find the tax lady that my mom did. I think she's only going to charge me $25 for each year....and didn't charge me the $100 she normally charges for my 2007 stuff (as a return of a favor to my mom....which my mom is demanding i give HER $100 if i do get my federal tax refund. I think i'm going to only give her $50 and then give her another $50, but tell her she HAS to put it toward the $ i owe her from when she paid off the small remaining balance on my car loan, without my asking or telling me, however).

--> So, my lil cousin is pregnant. I want to make sure she AT LEAST starts taking some prenatal vitamins....IF i can get a hold of her. And i'm going to tell her that if she wants to, i will pay for and find a way for her to see a therapist 2-4 times a month. However, i doubt she'll do it, but i'm hoping she will.

I also want to hurry up and get my camera so i can take some themed pics of her ASAP and then some artsy prgnancy pics once she gets big bellied (and then, of course, lots and LOTS of newborn baby pics once the child is born).

--> it was nice visiting my nephews this weekend. Last time i visited, i was so hung up on gambling that i didn't sleep in the bed with sis, so i didn't get any morning cuddles. Although, sis told me that the last time b4 this one, she had laid down for the night and sometimes sleeps on the other side of the bed (where i usually sleep when there)....and the blond one told her she HAD to move over to HER side b/c that was Aunt Jenny's side. lol. And then he was a bit upset with me that i didn't end up staying the night. Which he told me about on Saturday.

So this time, he crawled into bed around 3 a.m. and cuddled with me until morning when his brother came crawling in. the dark-haired one crawled in btwn his brother and I and cuddled with me (he's more of a momma's boy so he doesn't cuddle with me as much as his brother). It was cute b/c his brother had wet in his night-time pants and pulled them off, so he was bare-butt when he crawled into his mom's bed. And it was cute b/c the dark-haired one didn't want his naked brother cuddling with him....or even touching him at all. LOL It was kinda funny b/c he'd yell at him if their legs touched telling him that he was naked and so he had to move.

i woke up later and, of course, the bare-butt blond was TOTALLY cuddled up to his sleeping brother and was also asleep with his head on his brother's chest. I wish I'd had a camera! it was soooooo cute!

Then later sis told me that when she woke, the dark-headed one was literally using my face as a pillow. LOL.

Oh....and the cursing has started. I took away something they were fighting over and the blond one exclaimed, "What the hell!"

--> I was also a bit disappointed earlier today when mom told me my sis ended up finding someone to babysit so she could go out Saturday night. I don't see how she can be so "holier than thou" about my mentioning things with the boys that i notice (as an outsider) when she even admits coming up with every possible reason to stay away from home.

She rarely plays with them or loves on them (from what i see when there). If not on the computer or engrossed in a t.v. show then she's either not there or running out the door....or else yelling at the live-in, ex-husband or the boys.

I've never seen her read to them or really try to engage them in much of anything....and can usually not be torn away from the computer or t.v. to tend to anything having to do with them. This has mostly been the case over the past 1-2 years. When there were babies, she was a good mom and tried to do her best.

she doesn't want any REAL help with them...but yet she won't address things herself.

I think i even preturbed her this weekend for the simple fact that her dog likes to go outside with me when i go out to smoke (and no one else takes her out very often). So when i visit, the dog tends to lay near me a lot. But it was when i got up to go out and simply said, "come on, Q", and the dog came running immediately, that it made her a little mad. She gave a little smirky laugh and i asked her why? she wouldn't answer so i just turned it onto me saying something googy just before, but i could tell it bothered her that her dog was so eagerly obedient to me.

Which, obviously, if it bothers her with her dog...then it's going to bother her about her twins...even if it IS something that makes things better for them and her.

I was just REALLY lucky about how i got the blond one to start wearing his night-time pants without it looking like 'I' was the one who got him to do it. Which was nice b/c now none of us get peed on in the middle of the night any more, and my sister doesn't have any negativity toward me for having helped.

That was just a lucky turn of events that worked out perfectly after I had a very brief conversation with my nephew. But, unfortunately, i don't see a way to get my sis to accept that one, or both, may have ADHD and take them to a professional for possible diagnosis and help.

I wish I'd not have said anything now. I should've kept my mouth shut. Because, thinking about it now, it'll make her more determined for the boys NOT to ever be diagnosed. I mean, I now realize, that even if she finally takes them in for a possible diagnosis....even years from now, and a doc tells her that the DO have ADHD, then she's going to resent me for being right about HER children.

I just wish she could just be open to the help and different insight of others. It's not like I'm always saying things about the boys actions or defiance or anything. I understand how my doing so would make her more defensive and upset...and how that would just not be good for me to be so opinionated about her and her family in their presence.

But, i also don't like seeing my nephews not learning to respect authority figures or learning how to ever mind anyone. I know how their childhood affecs their adulthood, unfortunately.

What's odd tho....is that this weekend, my sister reminded me about when she had our lil' cousin (the now pregnant one) taken away from her mom for awhile b/c her mom wasn't properly taking care of her. I was off at college during that time, so i don't know most of what happened or the situation at all, but i know how my aunt was (i mean, she bought me my first pack of cigs when i was like 14 or something, such b/c, and nearly bought a pack for my sis too, then just 11 or 12).

I guess, i just don't understand fully how my sister could be sooooo incredibally strong and responsible back then to help a child....and then not even want to put any effort into raising her own children now.

I think part of it, is learned from the way our father raised us. He was never there for us emotionally or mentally, and thought that as long as he took care of our physical needs of a roof over our head and (sometimes) food on the table...that he was doing what was necessary as a parent.

It seems that's almost exactly how my sister has turned into acting.

Obviously, i don't know what it's totally like to be a parent of twin boys who aren't quite 5 yet, but her MAIN reasoning is that she's always got work to do. The problem there is that she makes about $60,000 (or possibly more) a year and yet she found it totally necessary to start a home-biz with selling Pampered Chef products. So not only does that take her out of the home several nights a month, but she's also gone on at least 3 out-of-state trips since starting it all several months ago. And on the weekends, that's when she enters all her sales and party reservations and other data into her computer program -- to the point that she often stress over how much work she has to get done over the weekend.

It's obvious to me that the extra home-based job is just something to take her physically and mentally away from home and the boys during her off hours and days.

Why??????

Why arn't my nephews the most important in her life? Her own children? It seems that money and feeling important are her main priorities. And that just breaks my heart