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((((Paulos)))) I'm sorry you are going thru a rough time right now. I definetly knows how it feels! Try to just relax as much as you can and let yourself and your mind rest rather than worry (it's hard, i know, but every little bit helps).

The more we stress, then the more our cortisol levels rise....and the more cortisol dumped into our system, the more stressed we feel - and for longer. So try to take some deep breaths and just do the minimum that you must to get through the next few days. Try and think of yourself as you would a best friend or a beloved young child....and then nurture that person a bit.

Can i ask if you are in AA?
I just attended my first 2 gamblers anoynomous meetings this week...and it was VERY hard for me to do, but i knew i had to make myself just do it. I'll never understand it, but there's just something magic about dropping your head and stepping into a room with a table and several others sitting around it who are dealing with the same problems and issues. I'm even learning that these peeps also have extra knowledge about how to help fix financial troubles! And knowing that i have a handful of numbers to call when i'm really craving the casino...well, that's just an awsome thing to have.

I wanna leave you with this: A re-run of the first season of lost was on this evening. It was one of the first episodes where the former 'rock god' (Charlie) was craving his stash of drugs, which another crash survivor had found and was holding onto.

When Charlie went to the guy for the second time to beg from a fix, the old guy had him look at a moth's cocoon. He explained how special moths are b/c they spin silk, unlike butterflies, and that it takes a huge struggle for them to emerge from the cocoon from the tiny hole. He talked about how he could widen the hole to make it easier for the moth, but if he did the moth would surely die b/c it wouldn't be strong enough to survive.

He said something like, "In life, struggling is necessary to build strength."

I want to make this my new life slogan. See, i know that if i can make it through all i've been thru the past 4 years, and especially this past year, then you can make it through your inner and outer struggles right now.

Instead of thinking of the nightmare life seems now (for us both), it's VERY important to block that out of your mind and just look to what's possible for your future. What goals do you have? Where do you want to be in a year? Two years? Ten years?

Then just focus on the long-term with thoughts of KNOWING you can make your future be what you want. None of us know exactly how to make all that happen, but the successful ones just constantly let there thoughts go to thoughts of their future success and goals reached - rather than current failures (or what feels like failures) and set backs.

The only important thing is to just keep pushing forward, NO MATTER how small the steps. Why? Because every smallest step forward means we weren't moving backwards!!!!!

giant hugs,
Jenna