[woodtick]

My life has been comprised of short or disastrous relationships. I can't help but wonder why and what I need to do about it. I often wonder if it is my mate selection process, which appears to be a sub-conscious one. My therapist tells me that I have low self-esteem and certain women pick up on that. In retrospect, I believe almost every mate I have been with has cheated on me. It has damaged my psyche to the point that I don't know if I will ever trust a woman completely, which concerns me because I wonder how could I truly love someone I don't completely trust.

I'm not the jealous/controlling type so to speak. I always give my mate the benefit of the doubt when I start to wonder and try to tell myself that everybody is different and I can't compare the person I'm with to other people I have been with. It seems I give my mates all the slack they need and they eventually hang themselves with the rope.

I must not know what a healthy and normal relationship is. I have never had one to model my own relationships from. No baseline to start from if you will. I came from a family where my dad was an alcoholic, my mother came from a foster home and was subsequently disturbed, and my one sibling, who is older, is a drug addict and an alcoholic. My parents separated when I was fourteen and I ran wild ever since. During my last two years of high school I lived with my father. I would regularly leave for school on Friday morning and not come home until Sunday night. I was drinking four or five nights a week and sneaking girls into my room by the time I was a senior. My father knew and didn't say anything. It was certainly not a healthy environment for a young adult to be brought up in.

I have been reading on other sites about love and sex addiction. It appears that I may be in that category considering my relationship history. I am very capable of falling in love but not at maintaining it. I have always had that soul-mate mentality when I first meet a woman wondering if she is "the one" for me. Apparently this is not normal or healthy.

I have been separated from my first wife for two months now and we are going to sign the divorce papers next week. We have been married for four and a half years. Fortunately, there are no children involved. We decided to get married after only a four-month whirlwind romance. We connected so fast and on all levels, we were finishing each other's sentences after knowing each other for only a few weeks. In the past I had always been cautious about marriage, wanting to take it slow and not make the wrong decision. I lost a woman I loved by doing that because she thought I was incapable of commitment, she cheated on me and left for a guy that told her what she wanted to hear. I believe I was sub-consciously afraid of that happening again when I met my wife and let go of my common sense.

My therapist said I should keep from becoming involved in another relationship for a year. I have to agree that it would be the best thing for me. I fear that at this point in my life I would only be rebounding from my marriage and that would be bad for everyone involved. I can't help but fear that I would meet someone during this time that would be a wonderful mate and miss an opportunity of a lifetime because I'm not supposed to be dating. Then again, maybe I have missed opportunities because I was in a serious relationship with the wrong person. I can't seem to win no matter what I do.



Honestly, I've come to the conclusion that I don't know what the hell I'm doing when it comes to relationships. I don't know what normal and healthy is. I have no idea what my role should be much less hers. How will I ever learn if I have no references? Is there a manual with rules and guidelines somewhere? I'm taking taking some sociology and psychology classes this semester and hoping to discover some answers there. It seems that this pattern of behavior is rampant among alcoholics/addicts, of which I am a member of the first group. If there is anybody reading this that has been in my shoes and has found a way out, I beg you to share your experience.