[Sugah]

The way I look at it, everything good in my life today - family, work, real friendships, absence of legal issues, not to mention a relationship with the god of my understanding - is a result of my recovery. I'm not responsible for having been born with the inability to drink like a lady, any more than I'd be responsible for being born with a birth defect. I am, however, responsible for the treatment of my alcoholism.

At times, it can seem like a burden. Hell, I want to enjoy these gifts of sobriety! Maybe tonight, when I have an obligation to someone or a service responsibility I accepted, I'd rather stay home and watch the second season of Northern Exposure again. Most of the time, I enjoy my involvement with the fellowship and working with others. Sometimes, though, especially when life seems particularly full and I feel stressed, I can start to rationalize that spending an hour grading papers is more productive than spending an hour at a meeting. Then I remember that the first rationalization makes the second that much easier.

There will come a time, if you're doing what's necessary to build a recovery foundation (not just meetings, but prayer & working the steps with a sponsor) that meetings become maintenance - and an opportunity to carry the message. You might find you don't "need" as many, though you may choose to continue quite regularly.

You know, I walk with a cane. I used to be in a chair (when I got sober), and it was hard then to accept that I couldn't just get up and walk. I tried it. I fell and crushed my leg, setting me back months. Eventually, I was able to park that chair and walk away from it, but I still have the cane. I'd like to throw it away, like to run with my children, like not to be so exhausted at the end of the day - but I have these conditions that prevent me from doing and having those things. It takes me longer to do things, and I have to go a lot slower than the average healthy woman my age, but at the end of the day, I'm grateful that I'm able to do what I do at all. Without putting long hours into physical therapy, I'd still be sitting in that chair, pissed off at the world because I couldn't walk.

I hope you find your pink cloud. My sponsor tells me they're made of gratitude.

Peace & Love,
Sugah