[hippyhippy]

Thank you all,
I am feeling less fraught this morning. Last night just caught me unawares.

Nadm, I am so sorry you and your g/f had this sort of c**p to deal with too. I have a wonderful relationship with my mother now and I would for give her anything. I have forgiven her for past hurts.
However, every now and then something happens to bring back the pain or biterness. My mum didn't acknowledge stuff that happened to me, not out of badness or cruelty. She, I think, reacted as she did for a variety of reasons. She tried to bury her head in the sand. If she didn't acknowledge the enormity of it, then it never really happened. Also, to accept the things that happened to me, of which this one is only one of them, then she has to accept that her and my father were very often drunk and not looking after me properly, which is when most of the things happened.
This is how my mum deals with things. If they are too big for her to handle, she will only deal with it if she really really has to. She obviously didn't want to handle my past abuses with me. It was too big for her.
I have a wonderful relationship with my mum. Her stopping drinking helped immensely. She is fantastic to me and my kids and is a great source of support. She carries a huge amount of guilt for my younger years when she and my dad spent so much time drunk. I don't think she can cope with the enormity of things that happened to me on top of this guilt.
I just have to accept this situation. I have a psychologist to help me through this. I can accept her not being able to cope with it and not being able to talk about it but the complete denial of it hurts a bit. The bit that as a 17 year old I wanted my mums validation.


Jurneyman,
I do not find your comments insensitive at all. You make a lot of sense. Actually, the first counsellor I ever saw, when I was 17, 20 years ago tried to get me to do exactly what you talk about. She tried to get me to hit the pillow and yell, swear, curse...whatever I wanted to help release the pain and hurt. I couldn't do it. Paralysis struck me.
The psychologist I am seeing just now is trying to help me with my suppressed anger. He says I have half a lifetime of emotions tied up iside me that aren't going anywhere. Not just anger about the past, but present too.

Thanks again folks. It helped to vent what I did last night. I feel better about it today. I am back to acceptance of my mothers ability to completely block off something that she finds so painful. It's her way and she doesn't do it to hurt me. She just can't cope any other way.

Hippy
xx