[hippyhippy]

Just been on phone to mum. She tells me of some guy who has been killed in Iraq. She says she thought it was a friend of my brothers who stayed with us about 30 years ago for a few weeks. Then she realised she was wrong, it was the wrong name.

Whats the point in telling you this? The said person who stayed with us abused me. I was 7. I told her this when I was flaming 17. I told her I couldn't remember all the details but I remembered enough of them to know that what he did was wrong. I remembered a lot more than I let on to her, but I was protecting her. I was stuffed remembering this. I had my first flaming depression. I had to visit a counsellor, I screwed up my college course, I dropped out of life, I was a mess. She couldn't cope with the knowledge. She gave me some bull s**t about adolescents (him) being all mixed up. I was flipping 7! My mum didn't want to hear. I realised really quickly. She was angry at me for visiting a counsellor.I have spent a huge amount of my life being screwed up. Not just because of this, but it is a huge contributor. I am still today, 30 years on, talking to a psychologist about it all. What the heck does she think I see a psychologist about?

Then she talks to me on the phone tonight like it is a relief somehow that this person who died wasn't the nice boy who stayed with us! If I got my hands on him I would kill him myself....well maybe not, but the thought is there. How the hell can she do that to me? How can she not remember what I told her? How can she think I would be the slightest bit interested? Yet I sat and said calmly "the person who stayed with us in 1978 was called *****. He stayed with us because*******. I remember it well" and she still didn't let up. But she knew, she flaming knew. She claimed to have forgotten his name and details of when and why he stayed with us. She has this amazing ability to block off memories.

I long ago decided not to look for anything from my mother in helping me deal with my past. She can't manage it, she is not strong enough. She doesn't mean harm, she just can't cope. I accepted that a long time ago. But how the hell could she do this to me? There has to surely be a bit of her sub conscious that remembers what I have told her? Is she in complete denial? Like it never happened? Like her daughter never went weird at age 17? The age from which my pdoc reckons I have been BP.

I am so sorry to go on. I feel like I have been hit with an emotional juggernaut. Even my hubby who is not the most sensitive said to me when I got off the phone "you know your mums family are f***ed" and he had only heard one side of the conversation.

I feel panicked, sick, tearful anfd so bloody angry. Angry at him, angry at her and just flaming angry that this conversation even happened.

I love my mum dearly but I am so so so hurt tonight.

Hippy

xx