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Originally Posted by ihatethis  I hope you don't feel I'm not without empathy for her plight. I've dedicated most of my life to it. My post was that I had finally seen that I had anger surrounding it. That was new for me. And I don't feel it was that unhealthy. I cannot pretend to understand cutting. I don't do it, I've never wanted to, so who am I to say give it up and give it up now. (I do know that her wrist was not a cutting episode, but cutting has played a part in her life and my relationship with her, so that is why I bring it up.)
It is hard for me to understand. Hard for me to ignore. Hard for me to deal with. Hard for me to bring up. Hard for me to have any feelings surrounding, because it's about her, not me. Everything is. Everything. I'm just frustrated. And that sprouts from a mind not being able to express itself effectively. She'll be here in about 45 minutes, and we'll be happy to see eath other and have a great time. I think this isn't the place to post these things. I just needed to get it out. I'm sorry. I think I came off all wrong.
I am trying. Honest. |
You know I don't remember if I ever wrote you back to the first pm you send me, I know I did after that, but I feel like an idiot now. I don't think I did.
I'm sorry.
I also thought about this post late last night in bed, (I stress alot about things I say, lol) that you may take this post that I meant it like this or another way.
I meant it in a totally different way. I think you are justified in every feeling that you have, anger at her included. You are doing nothing wrong, and in many ways neither is she, doesn't mean that it is not maddening to you both.
What I meant was that the cutter, self harmer, etc. is going to some day, some how, going to HAVE TO learn to USE THEIR VOICE, and what I meant is that it IS up to us (the self harmer) to figure out how to do that.
For myself for so long, I used to do horrible things to myself because I did not know how to express the pain I was feeling and I thought that someone would figure it out if I hurt myself. Eventually I came to learn that the only way I could heal was to talk, to yell to scream, to cry, to make mistakes, etc. Cutting, hurting myself doesn't help.
So yea is a way it is a form of manipulation, if I hurt myself she will know I am hurting then she will help me.
That is what I meant.
I was strickly talking about her, and her methods....
What she is doing and how it affects you.
I did the same thing to my family in many ways.
I know how much you love her and how hard you are trying, I'm sorry if that came across wrong....
I think you are a saint to your sister..
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I think this isn't the place to post these things.
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Please don't think that...
and honestly you help me a lot, I forget how much it hurts
my family when I hurt myself like that. It is still hard to not
want to hurt myself sometimes, as it is my first/second nature.
