Your post reminds me sooo much of a few things that have been posted on SR.
First is how we can settle for less than we deserve because we are used to a rough deal in life...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chrysalis123  I thought that because my XAH provided for us finacially and didn't hit me that I had to accept my marriage. It did not occur to me that I was in a dysfunctional relationship and needed help. And if I had the courage to acknowledge things were bad the terror of approaching the monster in the closet was too great and I would slink away.
I am currently rereading Codependent No More and here is a quote:
Many of us expect and need other people so much that we settle for too little. We may become dependent on troubled people.........Our expectations drop below normal, below what we ought to expect from relationships. Then we become trapped, stuck. The distortion becomes bizarre. I will stay because..."He doesn't beat me. "She doesn't run around." "He hasn't lost his job." Imagine getting credit for the behaviors we ordinary mortals do as a matter of course." page 99-100 |
Secondly is a discussion held about ''givens'' also taken from a Melody Beattie...
Quote:
Originally Posted by minnie I read this passage in "Beyond Co-dependency" by Melody Beattie and wanted to share it with you all.
"Listen to the following conversation between two women. One woman is recovering from adult children issues and a marriage to an alcoholic. The other is of fairly normal descent.
"I can't decide whether to break up with my boyfriend or not,"says a woman.
"What are his good points?" asks her friend.
"Well, he works every day. He usually does what he says he's going to do. He's kind. And he never hits me."
"No," says her friend. "You don't understand. What are his good points? The things you listed are givens."
"Oh," says the woman. "I didn't know that.""
I know I have been guilty of mistaking givens for good points. As I get healthier, I am beginning to realise what is non-negotiable in my relationships with others. Compromise is one thing, sacrifice is a whole other ball game. And mistaking "givens" for acts of love is hopefully a distant memory. |
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1537322 (Givens)
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