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norah155 · 09-02-2008, 04:53 PM

Hello:

Need some advice regarding my new boyfriend of 2 months who is newly sober for only three months (and struggling through Step 4 for the past month). I have done quite a bit of research regarding the 1 year rule and the likelihood of these new relationships working out. I understand and respect the purpose of the rule.

When we met for our first date we clicked instantaneously. We have a bit of a past, having grown up together, me having a crush on him most of my childhood, and then bumping into each other just recently after not having seen each other for maybe 16 years. The physical and emotional attraction was very fast and very strong. He was very forthcoming about his addiction, made it a point that his recovery would come first, but also indicated how excited he was to reconnect with me and was also committed to finding love, getting married, and starting a family.

Of course there has been some hesitation from both of us in the past month. I am weary that he will slip and go back to drinking and taking drugs. He is worried about his emotions being so raw and exposed that a new relationship may be too much right now, which is completely understandable. However we have not discussed the need to "take a break". He has only indicated that there may be times when he needs some space from me and not to take it personally or as a threat to the relationship.

We have been very communicative and honest with each other and he is going through his recovery in a very committed fashion. He attends AA 6-7 times per week, talks to his sponsor daily, surrounds himself with people from the program, and has his tough moments and always shares them with me. He also has times when he can be distant with me and I can feel him pulling back a little...but he has been pretty forthcoming about his feelings thus far.

So here is the problem. Because of my past with him (knowing him since I was 5 years old), I fell in love with him within the span of about 4-5 weeks after reconnecting with him. There is so much to love about him that it was almost too easy. I told him that I loved him and he has been very understanding and caring, but still, unable to return the emotion. He said that he is falling in love with me, that he believes I am a positive person in his life, that we fit together so well, and that he wants to build a relationship with me. But he said that right now he is struggling with his emotions overwhelming him and he needs to focus on AA and recovery.

He has not done anything to intentionally hurt me. I appreciate and respect his honesty and do believe that if I remain by him and support him and the fact that his recovery needs to take precedent that he will fall in love with me when he is prepared to deal with those emotions. There is a part of me that swears (just gut instinct) that he is already in love with me as well, but that he just does not know how to deal with the feelings that come along with it. Its just that it hurts to not be on the same page. I am feeling alone and angry that his addiction is standing in the way of his focus on a relationship with me.

I would like to be patient and supportive for him. I am lucky to be with someone who, although he is dealing with recovery, is able to be so sensitive and communicative with me. So right now I am looking for a little encouragement and advice from anyone who has been through this (addict or loved one).

Thanks!!

09-02-2008, 04:53 PM	#1 (permalink)
norah155 Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Mass Posts: 4	Newly Sober and New Relationship Hello: Need some advice regarding my new boyfriend of 2 months who is newly sober for only three months (and struggling through Step 4 for the past month). I have done quite a bit of research regarding the 1 year rule and the likelihood of these new relationships working out. I understand and respect the purpose of the rule. When we met for our first date we clicked instantaneously. We have a bit of a past, having grown up together, me having a crush on him most of my childhood, and then bumping into each other just recently after not having seen each other for maybe 16 years. The physical and emotional attraction was very fast and very strong. He was very forthcoming about his addiction, made it a point that his recovery would come first, but also indicated how excited he was to reconnect with me and was also committed to finding love, getting married, and starting a family. Of course there has been some hesitation from both of us in the past month. I am weary that he will slip and go back to drinking and taking drugs. He is worried about his emotions being so raw and exposed that a new relationship may be too much right now, which is completely understandable. However we have not discussed the need to "take a break". He has only indicated that there may be times when he needs some space from me and not to take it personally or as a threat to the relationship. We have been very communicative and honest with each other and he is going through his recovery in a very committed fashion. He attends AA 6-7 times per week, talks to his sponsor daily, surrounds himself with people from the program, and has his tough moments and always shares them with me. He also has times when he can be distant with me and I can feel him pulling back a little...but he has been pretty forthcoming about his feelings thus far. So here is the problem. Because of my past with him (knowing him since I was 5 years old), I fell in love with him within the span of about 4-5 weeks after reconnecting with him. There is so much to love about him that it was almost too easy. I told him that I loved him and he has been very understanding and caring, but still, unable to return the emotion. He said that he is falling in love with me, that he believes I am a positive person in his life, that we fit together so well, and that he wants to build a relationship with me. But he said that right now he is struggling with his emotions overwhelming him and he needs to focus on AA and recovery. He has not done anything to intentionally hurt me. I appreciate and respect his honesty and do believe that if I remain by him and support him and the fact that his recovery needs to take precedent that he will fall in love with me when he is prepared to deal with those emotions. There is a part of me that swears (just gut instinct) that he is already in love with me as well, but that he just does not know how to deal with the feelings that come along with it. Its just that it hurts to not be on the same page. I am feeling alone and angry that his addiction is standing in the way of his focus on a relationship with me. I would like to be patient and supportive for him. I am lucky to be with someone who, although he is dealing with recovery, is able to be so sensitive and communicative with me. So right now I am looking for a little encouragement and advice from anyone who has been through this (addict or loved one). Thanks!!