Yeah, I know I need help. & I have heard of this Subutex & asked my shrink about it. But the thing is is I kinda lied to him & told him I was just on it for a long time... taking it as directed.... but that was a lie. I was taking 20 lortabs in 2 freakin' days. It's just getting outta control. I'm a medical assistant, so I don't have like, any liscenses to take away, but I'm just embarrassed because I was a 9+ year ex junkie, & unintentially got myself in the same hole I was 9 years ago with other drugs.
I too, take anything I can get my hands on. If I can get tramadol, I take them by the fist full. If I get Codeine, I would take all 20 pretty much at the same time. (I'M VERY LUCK TO HAVE NOT GOT LIVER FAILURE TOO). Now, the only thing I can find is phentermine, my mom's weight loss pills. I'm not usually up for uppers, but I needed the energy so I grabbed a couple. I'm sure my mom will find out, but I was so desperate. I probably will come up with an extravagant story or something.
That was actually today :-( I don't know what to do. I'm so scared that my shrink will cut me off from my clonazepam (which I hardley take anyway because I take so many narcotic pills) because they really seem to help.
I just feel like I can't function anymore unless I'm on ANYTHING. Anything that'll give me that extra boost to get that heavy-feeling off of me. My BF has even noticed that I have lost extra weight (I weigh 88.9 lbs today) because I'm on these damn diet pills now.
I have such an addictive personallity of f**** hate myself. I don't want to lose my job, my bf or go to jail because my insurance is suspicious I'm a drug seeker. But I really feel like if I were to get into trouble, I'd put up a hell of a fight because my pain was LEGIT.
It just so happened I was a lil' clutzy & broke my leg along the way. But also, I have that fear, that'll I'll lose my really good insurance because of my multiple visits at multiple places.
I just don't know anymore. If I wasn't on my mom's diet pills right now, I'd be going insane. I keep thinking about how hard it's going to be going to work tomorrow. With hydro's I always woke up instantly, ready to go & even put on makeup at 7 am. When I'm not on them, I'm on my Zoloft & Clonazepam, rolling outta bed, dreading work (I have agoraphobia) & falling asleep on my way to work 25 miles away.
I just wish that I'd dye sometimes. Seriously.