widetrak60,
My husband is closet drinker also. Many years ago someone told me that I was talking to Jack Daniels, or the bottle. My AH is a binger so he can go 3 weeks without a drink. I could not understand how I was talking to the bottle during the times when he was not actually, literally drunk.
Then I started reading, chatting and attending Al-Anon. What I found to be the biggest startling realization is that there are a slew of beliefs, attitudes, excuses and behaviors that are common among alcoholics. Sure enough, I started to realize how almost everything that my AH did or said somehow was related to his drinking problem. Because we had been together for several years, I think I lost perspective of what a normal relationship might be like. I was used to his "stinkin thinkin", the drama, the accusations, the tears, the promises, the apologies, the manipulation and the lies, lies, lies and more lies.
I, like you, often wondered if I was making a bigger deal out if than it needed to be. My AH is quite successful professionally. I get to be a stay-at-home mom. He only drinks periodically. But, and this is a big but..... when I opened my eyes to the true level of chaos he was creating and how our lives revolved around the insanity he brought into our family in an attempt to protect his right to drink, I started deciding he'd either quit or I'd have to leave. I'm just over it.
So, before you second guess yourself (which we allllll have done here or currently do, and which our alcoholic spouses love for us to do), realize that you might be so used to the behavior that you accept it as normal. It's not. If your life is full of chaos, insanity, sleepless nights, endless frustration, arguments and total stress that you are definitely not imagining it. She may not quit and you may not decide to leave her. But if you go to Al-Anon, you'll learn some techniques which will help you live with more sanity in the midst of her drinking. Or, you may find out that you're sick of it altogether.
But it's definitely not in your head.