SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post - don't want the relationship- sober or not

kidsandmemake3 · 08-19-2008, 04:21 AM

This past Saturday I met with my recovering AH and asked him to sign divorce papers. It was soooo much harder than I thought it would be. I cried after and he asked me why I was crying if this is what I wanted... I just had no words to describe it to him...

I am really grieving that I thought our marraige was... but really wasn't. This past weekend I have cried so much.

I still have to sign the papers and go file, which I will do by the end of the week. I just cannot believe how addiction made my whole family so sick... how me and the kids got caught in a downward spiral we did not even realize we were in.

I am so sad. I feel like a loser. I just don't have the strength to deal with his addiction with everything else I have to deal with. I hope he stays sober and finds happiness. It is so sad... if he does, he will probably be the man I thought he was and know he can be... in about 5-7 years... but I would not be able to withstand his "growing pains." There would be nothing left of me and my kids would just have memories of a very stressful life... it is all ready stressful enough.

I cried because of the nasty things he has said to me over the past few months... I tried not to take them personally... I know he is lashing out because he is hurt but what about me and the kids? It hurts that everything I have done, every good thing and every mistake, has been turned and used to verbally hurt me in some way. I am crying because that hurts... and I tried my best... and it still was not good enough.

I have to gather up the courage to sign and file day after tomorrow. There is no right answer... only it's just better for me and the kids to not have him living with us. My white flag is up; this addiction thing is just too big for me. I have always been such a problem solver but in this I am learning that no amount of arranging outcomes will change that I am powerless over this addiction that my husband has been dealing with, which has blown our family apart.

Love just isn't enough to make that addiction go away... that's all up to him and I do not trust my AH with our lives... I just can't gamble that big when the stakes are so high.

I am so overwhelmed with sadness and loss. This has been one difficult time. My heart is so broken that it cannot be mended... it will have to turn into something new in order to go on.

08-19-2008, 04:21 AM	#8 (permalink)
kidsandmemake3 Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 106	This past Saturday I met with my recovering AH and asked him to sign divorce papers. It was soooo much harder than I thought it would be. I cried after and he asked me why I was crying if this is what I wanted... I just had no words to describe it to him... I am really grieving that I thought our marraige was... but really wasn't. This past weekend I have cried so much. I still have to sign the papers and go file, which I will do by the end of the week. I just cannot believe how addiction made my whole family so sick... how me and the kids got caught in a downward spiral we did not even realize we were in. I am so sad. I feel like a loser. I just don't have the strength to deal with his addiction with everything else I have to deal with. I hope he stays sober and finds happiness. It is so sad... if he does, he will probably be the man I thought he was and know he can be... in about 5-7 years... but I would not be able to withstand his "growing pains." There would be nothing left of me and my kids would just have memories of a very stressful life... it is all ready stressful enough. I cried because of the nasty things he has said to me over the past few months... I tried not to take them personally... I know he is lashing out because he is hurt but what about me and the kids? It hurts that everything I have done, every good thing and every mistake, has been turned and used to verbally hurt me in some way. I am crying because that hurts... and I tried my best... and it still was not good enough. I have to gather up the courage to sign and file day after tomorrow. There is no right answer... only it's just better for me and the kids to not have him living with us. My white flag is up; this addiction thing is just too big for me. I have always been such a problem solver but in this I am learning that no amount of arranging outcomes will change that I am powerless over this addiction that my husband has been dealing with, which has blown our family apart. Love just isn't enough to make that addiction go away... that's all up to him and I do not trust my AH with our lives... I just can't gamble that big when the stakes are so high. I am so overwhelmed with sadness and loss. This has been one difficult time. My heart is so broken that it cannot be mended... it will have to turn into something new in order to go on.