[Sugah]

This topic came up at a meeting last night, and somewhere around here, there's a thread about a "finished 9th step" - and thoughts related to whether or not it's ever finished.

I had a lot of names on my 8th step list that I was willing to carry through, however, it wasn't always possible to find those folks - or know if approaching them would cause them more harm. I'm willing, so if my HP puts them in my path, I will do my best to make amends without causing further harm. So, direct amends to them might not be possible. What do I do with that? I work on indirect amends. If I harmed someone in a friendship or a relationship, I pray for guidance to be a better friend or partner. I don't beat myself up, become a martyr, let anyone walk on me, put up with crap that no one should put up with, but I do strive to be honest, communicate clearly and offer help selflessly.

Often, I have folks on my list where a simple act or simple words to make amends feel like taking the easy way out. I always use my children as an example. I put them through a lot. I was not a responsible mother. I was not a good listener. I didn't think about their welfare. Taking them to Chuck E Cheese and telling them I'm sorry didn't make up for all of that, so I make amends not only by staying sober every day, but also by being a better parent. In early recovery, I felt so guilty, I let them get away with things that I shouldn't have because my guilt wouldn't allow me to set boundaries that would keep them safe and teach them responsibility. When I began the amends process - and explained, in language they could understand, what I was doing - they did not take to it with enthusiasm! But, by consistently fulfilling my role as a parent and parenting with their best interest at heart, I've got, five years later, four respectful and more-or-less responsible young folks under my roof.

(I know that the above paragraph doesn't have much to say about the original topic, but I felt compelled to say it.)

Pray. Talk to your sponsor. Bring it up as a topic in a meeting. Be willing. Those are my suggestions. Oh - and remember that this is a process, and, as I heard last night, a practice session for the next step - the 10th - so that we can begin seeing what it looks like when our side of the street is clean. Unless we know what it looks like, how can we get it and keep it that way?

Peace & Love,
Sugah