It hit me today that my life is unmanageable even in sobriety. As an example, I have no idea what I'm doing. I have some decisions I need to make about an extra apartment I have sitting unused in another part of the country, and I can't figure out what to do. (Part of my decision revolves around the fact that I will need to drive up to New England with such little sobriety time, but it needs to be done soon, and I don't know how I will handle it). I still don't know how to effectively deal with stress. I don't know what the "next right thing" that people speak about in meetings is.
I just have no idea what I am supposed to do next... people say not to change anything for the first several months of recovery, but unfortunately I have things that need to be dealt with in the next couple of months.
So I have realized with a certainty today that my life IS unmanageable. Even sober.
And on top of everything else, I had another relapse on Wednesday. I'm beginning day 2 again. I have yet another failure to add to my list of them. Tomorrow I'm supposed to be doing my 5th step with someone, upon which time I will head home and do steps 6 and 7 (like the BB says). And no, I still don't have a sponsor. Nobody seems to want to work with me and I really have no idea what I should do about that.
What on earth am I supposed to do next? I am admitting that I cannot manage my own life. Am I supposed to trust that God will show me the next right thing? Or what exactly?
I don't think it's possible to get any more confused than I already am now. I used to think I was a very intelligent person, but apparently I am quite the opposite.