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***Freedom1990*** · 08-05-2008, 10:10 AM

I walked back into the halls of AA after throwing 4 years of recovery out the window.

I was filled once again with guilt, shame, and self-loathing, only it was much worse the second time around.

Many of those 'yets' I had heard so much about when I first got into AA did come true when I went back to drinking.

I was never a blackout drinker, but I progressed to that during my relapse.

I had a feeling of overwhelming fear that I couldn't put my finger on, but it often drove me to outbursts of crying.

I had moved over two hours away from my old stomping grounds when I got out of rehab in 1986 because I was still married to an active alkie/addict at the time who was violent and psychotic.

I spent four years establishing myself in this nice friendly community, trying to better myself, but I quit doing the things that had kept me clean/sober.

I ended up outside the bar one night drunker than crap, flipping my jeans skirt up and making people laugh. I was loud and obnoxious. It doesn't take long for word to get around and a good reputation to go up in flames.

I became terminally unique again. I never got rigorously honest in the first two 4th steps that I did, and hung on to the worst of the lot.

I was drunk in my mind a good 90 days before I picked up that first drink/drug again.

I set myself up for failure, and I did a bang up job.

I told myself I'd just go out one night and have a hell of a good time, and jump right back into AA!

That was the alcoholic/addict in me talking, the one who had come forward from the back of my brain and was driving the bus all the way to hell, shrieking with glee.

I was out there two months, and it's only by God's grace that I did make it back through the doors after only two months.

We've all got a punch ticket, there's a drunk on one side, and a sober up on the other.

At the end of the punch ticket, there's no last sober up after that drunk.

Today I firmly believe that I have used up my punch ticket, and I have watched plenty of folks go out that door and never make it back.

Today I am grateful for all the blessings in my life, and I'm going to try it for another 24 hours.

08-05-2008, 10:10 AM	#1 (permalink)
*Freedom1990* Wesley Employee Extraordinaire Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Kansas Posts: 9,346	18 years ago today... I walked back into the halls of AA after throwing 4 years of recovery out the window. I was filled once again with guilt, shame, and self-loathing, only it was much worse the second time around. Many of those 'yets' I had heard so much about when I first got into AA did come true when I went back to drinking. I was never a blackout drinker, but I progressed to that during my relapse. I had a feeling of overwhelming fear that I couldn't put my finger on, but it often drove me to outbursts of crying. I had moved over two hours away from my old stomping grounds when I got out of rehab in 1986 because I was still married to an active alkie/addict at the time who was violent and psychotic. I spent four years establishing myself in this nice friendly community, trying to better myself, but I quit doing the things that had kept me clean/sober. I ended up outside the bar one night drunker than crap, flipping my jeans skirt up and making people laugh. I was loud and obnoxious. It doesn't take long for word to get around and a good reputation to go up in flames. I became terminally unique again. I never got rigorously honest in the first two 4th steps that I did, and hung on to the worst of the lot. I was drunk in my mind a good 90 days before I picked up that first drink/drug again. I set myself up for failure, and I did a bang up job. I told myself I'd just go out one night and have a hell of a good time, and jump right back into AA! That was the alcoholic/addict in me talking, the one who had come forward from the back of my brain and was driving the bus all the way to hell, shrieking with glee. I was out there two months, and it's only by God's grace that I did make it back through the doors after only two months. We've all got a punch ticket, there's a drunk on one side, and a sober up on the other. At the end of the punch ticket, there's no last sober up after that drunk. Today I firmly believe that I have used up my punch ticket, and I have watched plenty of folks go out that door and never make it back. Today I am grateful for all the blessings in my life, and I'm going to try it for another 24 hours. __________________ DeVon & the Zoo Crew ‎Worry is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained. ~Arthur Somers Roche