Fear is lack of faith.
Or at least that's what I've heard in the rooms of AA. It's certanily true for me.
Saturday morning I woke up with this nasty pressure behind my eyes. I know from past experience that there's a nasty migraine coming soon. I had surgery done this last Xmas, they drilled a hole in my skull and went poking around in my brain. Every so often I get a migraine from it. Nasty ones. I knew one was coming.
There's a concept in pain management called "proactive medication". Which means you take the meds _before_ it hurts too much, cuz if you wait then it take that much more meds to overcome the pain.
I don't _like_ taking my meds. Ok, ..... rigorous honesty.... I am _afraid_ of my meds. I'm afraid of apearing weak, I'm afraid of getting addicted again.... but most of all the meds remind me that I am three years overdue on being dead. That is what I am most scared of.
So I did not take my meds proactively, got into a little denial, and oh boy was I sick. I just curled up into a ball and lay there the whole day. Eventually I got enough meds to where the pain was under control. The problem then is that I can't take my heart meds cuz they _raise_ my blood pressure and when I have such a monster migraine the raised blood pressure would just make it worse. So without my heart meds my blood pressure went down and I was just _miserable_.
Today I am much better, still woozy from the low blood pressure but no longer biting a towel to keep from screaming. My sponsor came over for a spell, and my g/f drove me to a meet. I got lots of hugs, which is always good
Today I am taking my meds _proactively_. Nothing like pain to teach me a lesson. sheesh.
Now I can think, and be grateful that there are such meds, and people that love me. Now I can work on this fear.
I am not turning over my will and my life to my Higher Power. I am still in a bit of denial about my disease, and I am not trusting my HP to stick with me thru the harship. He always has, I just am not a very trusting guy.
Dunno why I'm afraid of dying. Being dead doesn't hurt. My heart has gone into full arrest three times and it wasn't that bad. I just kind of softly faded off without much fanfare. Obviously, I wasn't dead all the way, but enough to know it doesn't hurt.
The people that _are_ going to hurt are those that stay behind. And my darling g/f who is crazy in love with me and is likey going to be the one who finds my body. Typical alcoholic that I am, I am so worried about _me_ dying that I totally forgot about everybody else.
Besides I'm not dying today. I still gotta few more years with all the meds they have nowadays. I got good docs too, and I've told them they better keep me alive cuz if they let me die they won't get their bills paid
I can't live forever, and I sure don't want to die of Alzheimers, that would be awful. Dying while I'm young and still in my prime is not such a bad deal. I don't have to worry about retirement. If I wasn't into recovery I could cheat on my taxes and by the time they figured it out I'd be long gone. I don't have to worry about paying off my house loan. I can just enjoy the life I have today and trust my HP to worry about the stuff I have no control over.
Which is the way I _should_ be living my life even if I had perfect health. I heard a guy share it at my meet, I should stop worrying about the "what if" and instead focus on the "what _is_ ".
Today I feel much better. Today I have a bunch of people that love me and a wonderful life that is a gift from my HP. I've got meds that allow me to hold down a simple little desk job, and a cool forum with people I can dump me fears with. As an alkie, I truly have a life beyond my wildest dreams. All I need to do is spend a little less time inside my head and a little more time with my HP
Mike