[CatsnDogs4Me]

First, my apologies for such a long post ... it being my first one...
I have been a lurker on these boards for the last few months, but reading some of the posts I read today pushed me into action to post & see about getting some advice/outside opinion on my situation. A little about me/my relationship. I’m 39 yrs old with a well paying job & no children but several pets (3 dogs, 5 cats – I’m involved in animal rescue volunteer work, so what can I say?) DH & I have been together for nearly 12 years; married for nearly 6. He was always a heavy drinker, but I originally just chalked it up to him blowing off steam/having a good time. I’m also an ACOA, so that clouded the situation for me a bit, too. Anyway, before we got married, I had already started in on him about his drinking, as it was getting worse. He swore to me that he would cut back after we got married. I was the classic codie – supporting him when he quit jobs; making the mortgage payments; paying off his car; counting his drinks; etc., etc. Sound familiar? By last Spring, everything just piled up on me – again in classic codie mode I was trying to do everything for everyone – and I announced I was going to get some therapy to help me deal with things. DH knew I was at the end of my rope & agreed to attend therapy with me. Fast forward a year later … DH dropped out of therapy after a few months. Said he didn’t connect with the therapist. He would cut back some on his drinking, but then would slide quickly back into 6 drinking days/week behavior. I continued seeing the therapist on an individual basis & started realizing more & more things about me (vs. focusing on him.) Early this year, after our many discussions around DH’s drinking & behavior, my therapist recommended Al-Anon to me. I went to a few meetings, and they were quite an eye-opener to me. At the same time, I started reading Al-anon message boards like this one. This was where I made some real breakthroughs … in reading real-life stories about people in similar situations to mine. After a lot of thinking, I made the decision to move out in Spring of this year. DH was, of course, devastated when I announced - after another drunk night - that I had had enough & was moving out. He tried all the manipulative techniques in the book to get me to stay. Fortunately, my therapist had braced me for what might happen. I stayed strong & moved out.

DH went into individual therapy after we separated & promised to work on his drinking and other issues. He has stuck with his therapist, and we even tried 2 other marriage counselors (who both focused on his drinking.) We talked about him going to AA, but still he continues to drink. He swears it’s less than before, but it still continues. And, he’s still struggling with other issues he committed to change when we separated. He’s sent me love letters, but I felt those really more focused on him than me. He swears his undying love and devotion … But, I don’t feel like he really respects me. Despite my continuing to say “I don’t want to go out drinking with you”, he keeps asking me to. Up until about 2 weeks ago, I would cave. Then, I read Melody Beattie’s “CoDependent No More” (again at the suggestion of my therapist.) Talk about a light bulb going off! I read him some passages from the book to try & explain to him my codie issues/recovery, and I asked him to help me in my recovery by not pushing my buttons on the things I’m working on. He said he would, but then he still asks me repeatedly to go out drinking with him, and I keep turning him down. The one positive out of all that is that the feeling of empowerment I have in saying “no” is quite a rush!

Anyway, so to sum it up, here it is, 3 months after we separated, and much of the same behavior continues. Many times when we get together, he tries to manipulate me into taking care of him through anger, tears, etc., etc. It gets to the point where I just don’t want to see him because it’s so draining. Yet, we’re still married, and I still wonder if he can change, and if we can become happy together again. He’s still pushing for reconciliation, but I’ve told him that I’m not willing to have him move back in until I see concrete, continued evidence of change (which hasn’t happened yet.) And, even then, I know it’ll take me some time to get over past resentments and hurts. I’m financially secure; have a good job & a nice place to live; have a good support system of friends (who say I look happier than I’ve been in ages); and have been told I hold up very well for a 39 yr. old… So my question is, am I crazy for waiting around for him to change, or should I move on with my life? Or, do I already know the answer but am afraid to say it? Any advice or help you can offer me is greatly appreciated.