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The Steps are a lifelong process. Many older members I know have done Steps 4 & 5 twice in a couple of decades to get at the deeper issues. We go on making amends for years, as I understand it. Those friends who forgave me verbally still need time to forgive and trust me again and I need to work on humility in restoring the relationship.
The amends in Step 9 are essentially all about those we have hurt. They are not about us. We do the amends to the best of our ability and remain willing to carry out further amends when possible. They are done to help those we have hurt and harmed, they are not just a way of enhancing our own sobriety. Amends go to the heart of broken relationship and our essential selfishness as alcoholics.
If we have done the amends thoroughly, there is great peace of mind. If not, if we skimp over them or lie to ourselves in self-justifying ways, the Step remains a source of tension and anxiety. The same is true of Steps 4 & 5.
Each day I redo Steps1, 2, 3, reaffirming my surrender and reminding myself I cannot drink.
Each day I find myself falling short of the maturity and commitment needed for Steps 6 & 7 although I understand more, and the trust deepens, with each month of sobriety.
At the time I made my list for Step 8, although I was very willing to make amends, I didn't understand how deeply I had hurt some people and so I need to go back and review that list from time to time, and there are those I have hurt and offended while sober, through my emotional immaturity and long-engrained selfishness. New amends to clean house.
Where I cannot locate people I once harmed, I do service work as a substitute until I meet them. This rubs the edges off my selfishness and makes me more open and willing to do more in order to grow in compassion and humanity.
Step 10 speaks for all the Steps and is part of my daily discipline in sobriety. Step 12 and the opportunities to reach out to those still suffering has brought me more joy and steadiness in sobriety than any other aspect of my new life.
I expect to be still hoping to get somewhere with Step 11 on my deathbed -- faith is a gift and not something I can control or 'expect'. But the relatedness is there, a connectedness I did not know before sobering up.
When I saw the Steps as an integrated whole and began to let them work in me, I changed and sobriety became the only way forward.
Love & peace to you
Mala
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