[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

So, I'm working on my amends to my father. A little back story:

Dad traveled quite a bit when I was a child. Only home on the weekends. Enjoyed the finer things in life..we were upper middle class (back when it existed). I never wanted for any material thing. I looked up to my father. Until my mother died from alcoholism, then it became very clear to me that the picture I had of him was mostly illusion. I am trying hard not to be judgemental when it comes to him, but he is a very self involved person. We see each other a few times a year.

So, I"m working on my amends to him. Cause, I don't know if you can tell, I have a lot of resentments towards him. It's been hard. I've finished the rough draft, but I don't feel really good about it. I keep wanting to say ..you did this so I did that. It's very difficult to find my part in it.

Thing is, I am so very much like him. The longer I work on this, the more I start acting out in selfish ways. I have been gifted with this selfish trait from my father.

It has been probably the most difficult character defect for me to hand up. I coast along and things are fine, but then, Ms. Selfish rears her ugly head. I actually don't feel I can get better until I formally do my amends with him. Do I have to spend the rest of my life fighting this horrible defect?Am I being too hard on myself?

I feel better just writing this..thanks for letting me vent and any input is appreciated as always.

Karen