[sobergirl77]

Thanks for all the responses! Although I am so disappointed. Because somehow I knew I'd get the "you aren't done" and "You haven't taken your 1st step completely yet" answers. Trust me, I've heard them in a few meetings. I've had someone tell me to go out, get "full" of alcohol then come back when I am ready and willing.

But.. I AM ready and willing! Alcohol has beaten me down so bad that I can't imagine going lower. Being told stuff like this is so heartbreaking and leaves me full of fear and confusion. What do I need to do to "get full" - die from alcohol poisoning??!! I have come close on more than one occasion. I know to my very core that I am DONE and desperately want to get off this merry go round.

I truly believe that I have accepted the fact that I am completely powerless over alcohol. My life is completely unmanageable when I am drinking. I was spiritually DEAD when I walked through those AA doors. (I truly believe I am no longer spiritually dead since taking my 2nd and 3rd step, though).

And as for step 2, I have a very strong belief in the God of the Bible (I am Christian) and truly believe He can help me stay sober. I have spent a lot of time on my knees praying in the past month or so since doing my official step 3 with my sponsor. I turn my will and life over to Him every morning, except on a couple of rare occasions in the past month.

I am fine for a few days. Then that darn mental obsession begins. It is so sneaky... it grabs me. Sometimes I get on my knees and pray, and it goes away. Then sometimes it comes back. I guess my problem is that I don't call anyone. (Twice when I have called someone, it hasn't helped, and I still end up relapsing). So instead I think it over... and over... then I lose the game and head to the liquor store.

I well and truly am done with alcohol and am so hurt when people say I am NOT done with it. What more do I need to do? Get on my death bed? The promise is that the mental obsession fades after the 9th step. I've taken the steps 1-3 nearly every day, read the big book and now the Bible daily. I am praying with everything I've got and believing in the promises. Something has got to give, and I'm hoping that it's getting the steps done. I literally cannot take any more!

I apologize if I come off defensive, but I don't know what else to do at this point but continue to work the steps. My sponsor has all but given up on me, has better things to do with her time than talk to me (and no, I never call her while I am drunk).

I don't expect you all to tell me what I want to hear, but I truly and well know for a fact that I cannot ever take another drink of alcohol. Ever. I am powerless over the terrible obsession. King Alcohol has administered a terrible beating onto me more than once and has humbled me.

Do you all still think I shouldn't do my step 4 tomorrow?

By the way, I am editing this already way too long post to add that I have only been going to AA for 3 months as of the 16th of July. I walked in desperate, but on nobody's wishes but my own, up to about a liter of vodka per day, couldn't find a rehab so I "weaned" myself for two weeks - had a thread here, in fact - no DUI's, still have my home computer business, no jail, etc. I came in desperate and looking to stop drinking. Still am.