Great thread - this is so helpful to me right now - I just finished a big conversation with my big sis and this was much of what we discussed.
I have planned to break the news to my AH tomorrow morning and I'm scared to death - not for my safety but just to begin the whole process.
I have the concern about his drinking when he has them and something interesting came out of my mouth when I was with my attorney, I said that "he can drink till he passes out all he wants when they are not with him, I don't care but I don't want him to drink AT ALL when he has them" to which I added "but what makes me think that if he can not control his drinking when he said he wanted to, that he will be able to do it when they are there".
My girls are 11 and 13 and I almost never brought it up to them when I could tell he had been drinking I guess I thought it was best to shelter them from it. But recently I have actually started discussing it with them a lot more because I want them to learn the signs that I now know so they can call me when he's been drinking and I will come get them. They don't know that's why of course because they haven't been told we're divorcing yet (as I said, he is only finding out tomorrow).
Interestingly my 11 year old did not know that he had begun drinking again at all - he never drinks in front of us anymore he just makes a lot of short trips to places in the evenings which is when he does his drinking. Anyway, as we discussed it more, I began to tell her some of the things that I notice about him when he's been drinking and she said that she thinks she can remember times that she thought that he was acting weird or harder to get along with sometimes and she actually said "I guess those must have been times when he was drinking, huh?" - I'm encouraging them to trust their instincts, I have learned that mine are better than he allowed me to realize. Sometimes when he's been drinking and they have trouble and the girls get upset, I usually use a phrase sort of like "there's no point in having touble with him about it and trying to reason with him right now". That's when they know - that I'm also telling them that Daddy has been drinking.
They've both commented to me lately on the fact that he's drinking alot more than they knew he did. That's interesting - I just hope they can recognize it when I'm not around.
They both have told me they never want to ride in the car with him if he's been drinking (in a way that I took to mean that they want me to tell them so they'll know not to get in the car). It happened last night, he had been drinking and said he was going back to the store and my 13 year old asked if she could go and he said yes. I was surprised because I was sure he was going to have a another drink while he went or buy some while he was out. Anyway, she ran back inside to get her shoes and I said "he's been drinking, are you sure you want to go?" She ran back out without saying anything more to me. About 30 seconds later she came back in and laid down on the couch beside me - I think it scared her that she couldn't tell - she asked me how I knew - I guess I thought she was really asking if I was sure or questioning that he was really drinking but I realized that she was probably just wanting me to share what signs I was seeing so she would see them next time.
Wow - I have a big mouth - I'm not sure that any of this is helpful to anyone else but it helps me when I put it into words.
I'm definately grateful to know that there are those of you out there with the same concerns and issues - and that it gives me hope for our future.
This thread has been very helpful for me...... more, more, more..... :bounce