SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post - Shot in the Dark

Gretta · 07-09-2008, 11:48 PM

Thank you for your share. It was honest and brave and will (believe it or not) help others (in fact it helped me this evening).

I believe the biggest difficulty with mental illness is that those who do not suffer (and I mean suffer) with it, do not understand it. In the past, when I have attempted to create awareness of how I was feeling, or what was going on in my head it was delegitimized. Friends thinking I was exagerrating, or that I was just having a bad day, string of bad days, etc. Luckily, I have an amazing fiancee who is more than understanding and compassionate, (sounds like you do as well, a girlfriend) although I fear is just exasperated by my episodes. I mean, I'm exasperated by my episodes. . .

I completely relate to your perfectionism and OCD. For example, this posting is taking twice as long to write because everytime I make an error I have to go back and retype the entire line. . . did I spell everything correctly. . . did I use impressive vocabualry and sentence structure. . . and most time consuming of all- I am so worried that I am not explaining what I am trying to relay that I repeat the same idea over and over using differnt phrases. It's the same thing I just said- but did the other person understand it as I meant for them to? And geez, how many times have I said "yes" when I really meant no. . . or even better if I make the offer (to do something, etc. for someone). Even as the words "sure, I can pick you up at the airport" are leaving my mouth, I know that it will cause me conflict. But I can't help myself. It's like I just want everything to work out, and I want to be the one making it work even if it means I have to sacrafice for myself. And god forbid something ever goes wrong- I feel like it's always my fault- no matter what. I can't stand when other people are angry.

I am the most critical person in the world, but toughest on myself. Like you, I apologize ALL of the time ( I think you did three times before you even started your post), and try so hard to be "perfect" that anything less is earth shattering. I'm a 28 yr old female, and my MD has morphed over the last 8 yrs. I was online tonight trying to research and pinpoint what's happening to me. I'm diagnosed as BPII, and am up right now at 1:30am in what I fear is the onset of a manic episode. . . it started earlier today which is why I am online researching. I don't expect to sleep tonight, and have to work tomorrow morning which is tough. Bosses don't understand mania. I'll have some explaining to do tomorrow because I took off without word at 11:30am and my hours are 8-4. The mania was taking off rapidly and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to control it. For a perfectionist, when I first experienced mania it was as if all my problems were over. The idea of being overly motivated and energenic was well received as I cleaned my house spotless- organizing everything like crazy- my book shelves are organized using the dewey decimal system (for example- no kidding, please don't judge), and my kitchen pantry is divided into primary categories- Baking, Breads/Cereals/Grains- Canned Items, etc. and then broken down into sub categories and then alpahbetized as best as I can. And for what? I just like to keep them that way- I don't actually want anyone to use anything because I hate when things are out of order. Back when I lived alone, I spent the entire year sitting on the floor because I didn't want to damage my couch cushions. Anyway, just like with everything else the mania eventually turned against me- I feel like I'm going to explode- and no matter what I do or how much I do- it's not enough. The worst however, is that it's followed by a crippling depression.

Anyway, I've said enough- too much. You must think I'm nuts. All I really wante to say was that you are not alone. I know exactly what you're going through.

07-09-2008, 11:48 PM	#3 (permalink)
Gretta Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Posts: 2	Thank you for your share. It was honest and brave and will (believe it or not) help others (in fact it helped me this evening). I believe the biggest difficulty with mental illness is that those who do not suffer (and I mean suffer) with it, do not understand it. In the past, when I have attempted to create awareness of how I was feeling, or what was going on in my head it was delegitimized. Friends thinking I was exagerrating, or that I was just having a bad day, string of bad days, etc. Luckily, I have an amazing fiancee who is more than understanding and compassionate, (sounds like you do as well, a girlfriend) although I fear is just exasperated by my episodes. I mean, I'm exasperated by my episodes. . . I completely relate to your perfectionism and OCD. For example, this posting is taking twice as long to write because everytime I make an error I have to go back and retype the entire line. . . did I spell everything correctly. . . did I use impressive vocabualry and sentence structure. . . and most time consuming of all- I am so worried that I am not explaining what I am trying to relay that I repeat the same idea over and over using differnt phrases. It's the same thing I just said- but did the other person understand it as I meant for them to? And geez, how many times have I said "yes" when I really meant no. . . or even better if I make the offer (to do something, etc. for someone). Even as the words "sure, I can pick you up at the airport" are leaving my mouth, I know that it will cause me conflict. But I can't help myself. It's like I just want everything to work out, and I want to be the one making it work even if it means I have to sacrafice for myself. And god forbid something ever goes wrong- I feel like it's always my fault- no matter what. I can't stand when other people are angry. I am the most critical person in the world, but toughest on myself. Like you, I apologize ALL of the time ( I think you did three times before you even started your post), and try so hard to be "perfect" that anything less is earth shattering. I'm a 28 yr old female, and my MD has morphed over the last 8 yrs. I was online tonight trying to research and pinpoint what's happening to me. I'm diagnosed as BPII, and am up right now at 1:30am in what I fear is the onset of a manic episode. . . it started earlier today which is why I am online researching. I don't expect to sleep tonight, and have to work tomorrow morning which is tough. Bosses don't understand mania. I'll have some explaining to do tomorrow because I took off without word at 11:30am and my hours are 8-4. The mania was taking off rapidly and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to control it. For a perfectionist, when I first experienced mania it was as if all my problems were over. The idea of being overly motivated and energenic was well received as I cleaned my house spotless- organizing everything like crazy- my book shelves are organized using the dewey decimal system (for example- no kidding, please don't judge), and my kitchen pantry is divided into primary categories- Baking, Breads/Cereals/Grains- Canned Items, etc. and then broken down into sub categories and then alpahbetized as best as I can. And for what? I just like to keep them that way- I don't actually want anyone to use anything because I hate when things are out of order. Back when I lived alone, I spent the entire year sitting on the floor because I didn't want to damage my couch cushions. Anyway, just like with everything else the mania eventually turned against me- I feel like I'm going to explode- and no matter what I do or how much I do- it's not enough. The worst however, is that it's followed by a crippling depression. Anyway, I've said enough- too much. You must think I'm nuts. All I really wante to say was that you are not alone. I know exactly what you're going through.