nowwhat

My XAH was mad as a hornet when my attorney included language about no using while with children or 12 hours before; however, my attorney told me it was critical. Basically, the way she explained it was that if the language was included in the agreement, and I was sure that he WAS using around the children, custody could be modified. But the court would say "why didn't you mention this before?" if I tried to do it after the fact.

That only addresses the legal stuff, figuring out how to communicate effectively with an active A is a whole 'nother problem. Mine has improved immensely in terms of his attitude and actions toward me and the children, but it did take a lot of time and distance--and he claims he is no longer using (don't know, don't really care if this is true). Once the drama of the separation and divorce died down, things improved.

You are asking the hard and necessary questions. An attorney is probably the best resource for the legal mumbo-jumbo, and working on your own codependency issues can only help with the relationship aspect, ie if you can get to an emotional space where the X can't beat you about the head so much (figuratively speaking), some of the communication regarding your dd may become easier.

(((((HUGS)))) You are in the thick of it right now--so hard!!!--but it does get better.