[shutterbug]

Lady......i feel the same too.

i think the truth is this:

if we weren't depressed we wouldn't focus on all the kind of things about ourselves that you mentioned. i hate myself. i think i look like a grimlin or worse. i can't imagine how anyone couldn't even look at me and not think "yuck." or "ewww, grose!"

i'm just turning 32 and never been married...no kids either...and even the one time i had a fiance...i had to buy my own engagement ring. I've been single for 4 years and the last one was a late-stage alcoholic who was also a sex addict and went back to his ex-girl friend every other week until she literally broke into my house and tried to attack me.

I finally tried to date again....at the beginning of this year....

I knew him less than 2 weeks before he'd drained my bank account and stolen my car.

Now...i'm not a stupid girl. I have a college degree and have actually be published in national newspapers as BOTH a writer and a photojournalist....and still.....i believe i am the black plague who looks like a creature only seen in horror movies.

i finally signed up for an online dating site. turns out not to be as bad as i'd thought it would. there are tons of normal, decent guys in my town who are single and have jobs and are not crack addicts or anything like those in my past.

BUT....even when they tell me over and over how pretty they think i am....i work my butt off to convince them it's ONLY my photography and digital-touching up that makes me appear un-monsterous. they don't believe me and one even said he knows a lot about photography and digital imaging and said no one could be that good at photo-manipulation even if they wanted to be.

i know he's wrong.
it's impossible for me to believe that anyone could find me not-horrid.

MY POINT IS THIS....we SOMEHOW have to somehow learn to love ourselves to even be able to SEE when people actually DO like us for who we are. I bet i could have a 100 guys following me and calling me daily and i still wouldn't believe that i am not an ogre.

i've read most of the books.
they haven't done much to change my loving myself....especially during deep depressions like now....but perhaps the next one i read will give the extra bit of positive directions i need. who knows.

lastly.....the first thing i thought, and have kept thinking, while reading your post is that you have a lot to be very thankful for. you have a husband. that's an awsome thing in my book. ask him to write you a letter listing all the reasons he first spoke to you, went out with you, called you, and especially ask him alllllll the reasons he decided to marry you.

you're special.
you know it.
now you just need to let yourself believe it.

giant hugs,
jenna