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imissme · 07-02-2008, 09:29 AM

I'm an ACOA and I've endured a lot of loss in my life. Loss of my childhood, loss of so, so many family members, divorce, and the list goes on and on. I've been in al-anon 3 years, and words can't express how much it has helped me, I do feel a lot better in so many different ways. But I'm still not very good at identifying emotions and what's going on with me.

Last night I was at a meeting and I started to cry as soon as the opening was being read. My sponsor was sitting right next to me and was rubbing my back.. and you all probably know how that is, when someone shows compassion for crying it makes the crying more intense. It was the first time I felt embarrassed for crying. It was a huge meeting (ok huge for where I live) and there were a lot of newcomers and I didn't want to get hysterical. The room was so packed that I knew I couldn't just get up and leave without making people move. Anyway, the book being read was a new al-anon book about grief, and the topic was about reaching out for help (which I can hardly do) and I heard everything I needed to hear, but still I'm wondering if I'm grieving.

I have spent 95% of my life with my mother. An alcoholic. It has been a emotionally destroying relationship where at my bottom I had absolutely nothing left inside of me. I hated myself and my life with a firey passion. The program has most definitely helped. Just a few months ago it was revealed to me, and for the first time in my life I accepted the fact that my father is also one. The strange thing about the situation is my parents have been divorced for 20 years and I've hardly seen him, hardly talked to him. I put him on a pedastol, even though he totally used me for his financial gain and almost immediately after leaving us shacked up with a younger woman. He left me as my father and became a father to his new wife's kids. I had every reason to be angry at him but I chose to be angry at my mom instead. Deep denial.

Other than that I have a lot more crap on my plate. I don't know if I'm grieving. I know the firey burning hatred and anger has definitely faded, and today I do feel a lot more peace, I just don't know. I don't know what to do with it. Sorry for the long

but im glad to be here.

07-02-2008, 09:29 AM	#1 (permalink)
imissme i am not an illegitamite child Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 1	mourning.... maybe? I'm an ACOA and I've endured a lot of loss in my life. Loss of my childhood, loss of so, so many family members, divorce, and the list goes on and on. I've been in al-anon 3 years, and words can't express how much it has helped me, I do feel a lot better in so many different ways. But I'm still not very good at identifying emotions and what's going on with me. Last night I was at a meeting and I started to cry as soon as the opening was being read. My sponsor was sitting right next to me and was rubbing my back.. and you all probably know how that is, when someone shows compassion for crying it makes the crying more intense. It was the first time I felt embarrassed for crying. It was a huge meeting (ok huge for where I live) and there were a lot of newcomers and I didn't want to get hysterical. The room was so packed that I knew I couldn't just get up and leave without making people move. Anyway, the book being read was a new al-anon book about grief, and the topic was about reaching out for help (which I can hardly do) and I heard everything I needed to hear, but still I'm wondering if I'm grieving. I have spent 95% of my life with my mother. An alcoholic. It has been a emotionally destroying relationship where at my bottom I had absolutely nothing left inside of me. I hated myself and my life with a firey passion. The program has most definitely helped. Just a few months ago it was revealed to me, and for the first time in my life I accepted the fact that my father is also one. The strange thing about the situation is my parents have been divorced for 20 years and I've hardly seen him, hardly talked to him. I put him on a pedastol, even though he totally used me for his financial gain and almost immediately after leaving us shacked up with a younger woman. He left me as my father and became a father to his new wife's kids. I had every reason to be angry at him but I chose to be angry at my mom instead. Deep denial. Other than that I have a lot more crap on my plate. I don't know if I'm grieving. I know the firey burning hatred and anger has definitely faded, and today I do feel a lot more peace, I just don't know. I don't know what to do with it. Sorry for the long but im glad to be here.