[nandm]

Welcome to our forum.

I tried many times to quit drinking over my 20 year drinking career. With similar experiences to yours. I even quit for a year one time. Each time when I went back to drinking it always turned out the same. I would be able to start out drinking one or two but with time, no matter how hard I tried, eventually I wound back up in the insanity of the drinking way to much. My life always wound back up in that alcoholic unmanageability and loss of control. The only significant amount of time I have had sober has been the past 7 years which I have done through AA. I did not necessarily want AA when I came to it but I had come to a point where I realized that my drinking was just a slow suicide that was not only killing me but everyone who cared about me. I could no longer go on drinking but I had no clue how to live my life without it and not be miserable.

To address your concern. In a little more than 7 years of time in AA I have seen many people come and go. Some to even return. I am thankful anytime I see someone return. I am truly grateful for the sobriety I have found. I don't know why I was given this gift but do remember what it was like to have that ache inside because I could not stop drinking. People that come back to the rooms of AA after a relapse help me because they remind me that drinking still isn't working out there. There is absolutely no shame in picking yourself back up, in fact it takes a lot of courage and strength. I have a lot of respect for those that are able to come back after a relapse and am grateful they are here. I think that if the AA in your area is anything like in my area you will find yourself welcomed with open arms and without shame.

Take care and I do wish you the best of your sobriety no matter what program of recovery works for you.