[BeachAngel]

I have a serious problem that I am really scared about.

Hmmm, where to begin? I drink at least a bottle of wine every night, usually about one and a half. My biggest fear is that it will run out. I only bought one liter tonight so " I could control it" but it is almost gone. BIG problem, I am worried about it running out. I am not married, I have a wonderful 14 year old daughter that I hide empty bottles from. She is the beat of my heart and my greatest accomplishment, I am afraid I am a bad example to my darling teen daughter. I never seem drunk or out of control, I hold it very well, it has been going on for years. Otherwise, I provide a very nice home life.

I have dedicated my life to raising my daughter and don't have a serious boyfriend or man in my life, just dating without my daughter being exposed to anyone. I hide this drinking problem from anyone I date, I drink secretly at night whether I get home at 6pm or 1am, I always open a bottle of wine and drink the whole thing.

In the beginning of this year I realized that my drinking was not normal. I thought I was doing it to relax but it got worse and worse (to me, I totally hide it from everyone) until I woke up on the floor a couple nights. Wine only because that is what good girls do, right? I consider myself a person of scruples and integrity, I am not one to do the "wrong thing" and this behavior really scares me.

I went to AA in January. Everyone was very supportive but I heard many stories of blackouts (I have never had one), violence, arrest, etc. I have fortunately never encountered these problems. So, I quit AA after having two beers normally while on vacation in April. Yeah! Finally! I was OK, I am not an alcoholic, I CAN drink normally. That is what I thought.

Now, I am doing the same old behavior after drinking "normally" a couple of times. Craving wine at night, saying just one more night, hiding empty bottles out of embarrassment, hiding how much I drink at night from everyone, physically needing more, promising myself in the morning to never do it again, and wine being the main focus on any given night.

I am embarrased to go back to AA with my tail between my legs but I am thinking they probably already know why I left. I don't WANT AA or this problem. I don't want to be percieved as a first time loser at the AA meetings, they will probably remember me from before.

I just want to be able to relax at night, I would LOVE to be able to enjoy the morning but mornings are only about cleaning up the mess from last night i.e. posts I made on my professional message board, the wine bottles, glasses, cigarettes I smoke (I never smoke when I don't drink, ever!). I call it Dirty Karen (my real name).

Please help, I feel totally out of control and frequently in the morning I feel too sick to even get out of bed. I cancel meetings and lay in bed with my water and my laptop, "working from home".

Please advise.

Thanks,

BeachAngel