[Paulos]

I woke up today at like 5:30pm... *lovely time schedule* only to find out the new doctors office I'm going to is most likely not going to give me my Xanax, which helps me cope with life. Consider that an addiction perhaps yes, and it could be giving me side effects I didn't know Benzos could bring memory loss/concentration problems...

However I'm finding myself harder to express things... I feel bad, worried that I won't be able to handle my house alone someday, I feel I always need to have my hand held, and I'm really afraid that someone will challenge me for my house/living quarters... and I'm not even good enough in them anyway, like shopping lists I'm not so great at, my mother has to make my calls for my doctor appointments... it's like I suck in almost everything. People say "you can do it, just try it" but my anxiety/fear gets the best of me, and they speak of cognitive therapy... I DO THAT ALL THE TIME to keep myself from bouncing off the walls, and then again I do the opposite talking to myself about how bad things are... it's just ... I feel I've lived the best years of my life and now that I see how scary things can be in the real world/reality *by even merely watching a show like The Simpsons that explains about American Culture in comedy* I get scared... just thought I'd share that.