SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post - don't want the relationship- sober or not

kidsandmemake3 · 06-30-2008, 09:31 PM

Thanks, y'all. Gal, you are absolutely on-key by teaching your girls by example. My first marraige ended because I did not want my children to think that the way it was with me and their dad was typical. It wasn't addiction that did it with husband #1... it was a matter of control and personal safety. That was tough, I had to literally drive away from my life, friends, house, all my posessions, job, etc. without saying good-bye... the kids and I started over and a decade later (with thanks to God, the many people that helped us along the way, and a vision I have for a future for us that burns like 'fire in my belly') we are better people for it.

Having the old saying "this is not my first rodeo" under my belt, I do not want to hang on too long like I did with the first marriage and have things become worse because I don't want to face the truth and move on. This time, my children are old enough to remember the details... they were really small when I left their dad... I hope they make better relationship choices than I have because they see me calling it like it is... I can't pretend Prince Charming is still Prince Charming when I open my eyes and realize I have been kissin' a frog.

I would rather deal with consequences that will ultimately lead to the betterment of our lives than be responsible for continuing in the craziness by placing myself and the kids in the middle of it. I am much more serene without husband #2 in my day to day life... when he comes around, the emotional rollercoaster happens.

I have told him that I no longer think of him as a life partner and husband but he is not wanting to grasp it. He is so pathetic and sad, still thinks of me as is wife (but I feel more like a mentor, friend, or even sponsor) and then told me that I would have to be the one to initiate a divorce and move forward with it because it is not what he wants. His addiction has arrested his maturity at about a 13 or 14 year-old level and he really thinks that he has been a good husband. He does not see how difficult living with him is when something occurs that does not revolve around him. Having kids with a high level of special needs means that there is A LOT that doesn't revolve around him... often. Fighting his residual addictive thought patterns is more than I can handle when I am dealing with a developmentally disabled child and another terminally ill child.

It is sooooo hard to tell a person that you care about news that impacts and overturns their life. What makes it even harder is knowing that person does not understand why and probably never will. I am very sad to have to tell my husband that I am no longer willing to be his wife and then to move forward with ending the marriage. I would be even sadder to stay with him because all the work I have done to build a life after the devistation of husband #1 would be underminded. I am most sad because I really thought I had found someone who was interested in being a blessing to me and not a burden.

Doing the right thing can be very lonely. Thanks for your reassuring words and helping me remember to use my courage.

06-30-2008, 09:31 PM	#5 (permalink)
kidsandmemake3 Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 108	Thanks, y'all. Gal, you are absolutely on-key by teaching your girls by example. My first marraige ended because I did not want my children to think that the way it was with me and their dad was typical. It wasn't addiction that did it with husband #1... it was a matter of control and personal safety. That was tough, I had to literally drive away from my life, friends, house, all my posessions, job, etc. without saying good-bye... the kids and I started over and a decade later (with thanks to God, the many people that helped us along the way, and a vision I have for a future for us that burns like 'fire in my belly') we are better people for it. Having the old saying "this is not my first rodeo" under my belt, I do not want to hang on too long like I did with the first marriage and have things become worse because I don't want to face the truth and move on. This time, my children are old enough to remember the details... they were really small when I left their dad... I hope they make better relationship choices than I have because they see me calling it like it is... I can't pretend Prince Charming is still Prince Charming when I open my eyes and realize I have been kissin' a frog. I would rather deal with consequences that will ultimately lead to the betterment of our lives than be responsible for continuing in the craziness by placing myself and the kids in the middle of it. I am much more serene without husband #2 in my day to day life... when he comes around, the emotional rollercoaster happens. I have told him that I no longer think of him as a life partner and husband but he is not wanting to grasp it. He is so pathetic and sad, still thinks of me as is wife (but I feel more like a mentor, friend, or even sponsor) and then told me that I would have to be the one to initiate a divorce and move forward with it because it is not what he wants. His addiction has arrested his maturity at about a 13 or 14 year-old level and he really thinks that he has been a good husband. He does not see how difficult living with him is when something occurs that does not revolve around him. Having kids with a high level of special needs means that there is A LOT that doesn't revolve around him... often. Fighting his residual addictive thought patterns is more than I can handle when I am dealing with a developmentally disabled child and another terminally ill child. It is sooooo hard to tell a person that you care about news that impacts and overturns their life. What makes it even harder is knowing that person does not understand why and probably never will. I am very sad to have to tell my husband that I am no longer willing to be his wife and then to move forward with ending the marriage. I would be even sadder to stay with him because all the work I have done to build a life after the devistation of husband #1 would be underminded. I am most sad because I really thought I had found someone who was interested in being a blessing to me and not a burden. Doing the right thing can be very lonely. Thanks for your reassuring words and helping me remember to use my courage.