Hippy....
I haven't even read any of the replies..only your post.
And I know one thing...
You've got to talk to your doc!
PLEASE!
This is far more than an online board can deal with, as much as we LOVE you...
and we *do* LOVE you...
But, you are in trouble, my friend.
Get help.
Now.
Please.
It's time to lay it all out to your doc or to someone.
Cuz you are putting out to us piece by piece.
And you could be dead by the time it's out fully.
I don't want that to happen...I love you...
Please call...
Shalom!