[hippyhippy]

I hope this is ok putting this in here? If not tell me and I will delete.

I am having either mixed states/rapid cycling (does anyone know the difference between the two???)

I have said here before that I used to self harm as a teenager, but not cutting. I used to burn myself mostly. I am now (shhhh whisper!....) 30 + ....... ok....35 + ! I started self harming again in very recent times. I did a few cuts to my arms and carved 'hate' into my leg. I did not do it for the pain, I did it for the bleeding. I didn't need to cut deep to draw blood. The bleeding satisfied me. However, like others I am sure, the marks weren't nice. Even though they weren't deep, they showed up as a conspicuous red weal for quite some time after.

I have managed to hide these from my husband. I think because I was so low, intimacy was out, so I had no major prob. I locked the door of the shower and told him it was because I hated him seeing me fat. I wore long sleeves.

Then I stopped it for a while. Summer meant I wanted to wear short sleeves. My scars look like old scratches. I didn't like doing it on my leg as it hurt so much more than on my arms. Then I did it a couple of times recently under stress but put it right at the top of my arm where even a t shirt could cover it.

What has me spooked though, is today I SF'd again. However, this was with much more malevolent intent towards myself. I cut across my wrists, twice and down my forearms twice. This was not a serious suicide attempt, but I have been feeling suicidal recently and getting images of this action in my head. Today felt like 'practising'.

I am left with four marks that I only have one top long enough to cover, a feeling that this is running away with me and a kinda spooked feeling that I didn't know for sure that I wouldn't have done the real thing earlier, as I am not informed of how deep a blade has to go to do the damage.

I am in a state about hubby finding out....which is going to be much harder to hide than before. I am worried (kinda.....but more worryingly...kinda excited) I am on a train I cannot stop. I don't know whether to tell pdoc and if he will even take me seriously as it is not as if I have burst an artery or vein. I have told him nothing of my SF so far.

Any thoughts appreciated. I am so sorry if I should not have posted this here.

Hippy

xx