SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post - don't want the relationship- sober or not

gal4me · 06-29-2008, 06:15 PM

You must take care of your children ~period~ they come first now and always and if being with him is not what's best for them then I think you have your answer about whether you're doing the right thing.
I don't take this lightly - I am in the process of initiating a divorce with my .ah. of 16 years. Our battles with his addiction have been drawn out way too long. I have always been of the mindset that when you marry it is forever but when it comes to what's best for your children there is a clear exception.
My .ah. went through short periods of sobriety and when things between us didn't snap back the way he expected them to I guess he gave up, I suspect he didn't think it was worth it since it didn't seem to make things better right away. He never has understood how deeply this has affected me and my feelings for him.
I have no desire to continue our relationship even if he does sober up. I can relate with you on that - "big time" But that doesn't make it any easier to do.

I continue to tell myself that I am doing what is best for my kids - I have tried to be supportive while he helped himself recover but he did not give it a full effort and as a result he has made his decision about where things between us will go. Yes - our daughters will be devistated but compared to the potential affect that his addiction has, it is the lesser of two evils. For years I have been torn between which is worse for my girls, divorce or teaching them by example that they should not feel trapped in a situation that is unhealthy for them or even for their future children..... that's heavy for me. And then I have moments where I'm punishing myself for not doing it sooner. It's rough.
In my case, he is their father and will be forever, and so I will request that he do an outpatient treatment and I will support him from a distance but in the end it will be up to me to educate my daughters about his illness and prepare them to deal with it the best way that I can. I pray that it will be enough to spare them the same exprience in their lives.

Doing the right thing isn't always easy and I wish you the strength and courage to do what you feel is best for your kids. I think your instinct is spot on. I think you already know the answer.
Bless you.

~Gal

06-29-2008, 06:15 PM	#4 (permalink)
gal4me Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Texas Posts: 4	Mother knows best.... You must take care of your children ~period~ they come first now and always and if being with him is not what's best for them then I think you have your answer about whether you're doing the right thing. I don't take this lightly - I am in the process of initiating a divorce with my .ah. of 16 years. Our battles with his addiction have been drawn out way too long. I have always been of the mindset that when you marry it is forever but when it comes to what's best for your children there is a clear exception. My .ah. went through short periods of sobriety and when things between us didn't snap back the way he expected them to I guess he gave up, I suspect he didn't think it was worth it since it didn't seem to make things better right away. He never has understood how deeply this has affected me and my feelings for him. I have no desire to continue our relationship even if he does sober up. I can relate with you on that - "big time" But that doesn't make it any easier to do. I continue to tell myself that I am doing what is best for my kids - I have tried to be supportive while he helped himself recover but he did not give it a full effort and as a result he has made his decision about where things between us will go. Yes - our daughters will be devistated but compared to the potential affect that his addiction has, it is the lesser of two evils. For years I have been torn between which is worse for my girls, divorce or teaching them by example that they should not feel trapped in a situation that is unhealthy for them or even for their future children..... that's heavy for me. And then I have moments where I'm punishing myself for not doing it sooner. It's rough. In my case, he is their father and will be forever, and so I will request that he do an outpatient treatment and I will support him from a distance but in the end it will be up to me to educate my daughters about his illness and prepare them to deal with it the best way that I can. I pray that it will be enough to spare them the same exprience in their lives. Doing the right thing isn't always easy and I wish you the strength and courage to do what you feel is best for your kids. I think your instinct is spot on. I think you already know the answer. Bless you. ~Gal