[Kristina]

This is my first post and I apologize in advance that this is a long posting and that I'm seeking advice despite not already being a member of the community. I don't have anyone to talk to about this in "real" life and from reading through the forum people here seem really friendly and helpful.


My drinking has been out of control for a long time now, but I think I've been in denial about it because instead of being a daily drinker, what I have always been is a binge drinker. Sometimes it's a few times a week and sometimes I'll go a month without drinking, but once I start drinking, I can't stop. Lately it has gotten to the point where I will drink a half a bottle of vodka or more in a single night, because what I really want is that feeling where you go from buzzed to all the way drunk, and I'm so happy when I get there because for just a little while I feel numb and forget why I'm upset. That of course doesn't last for very long and then I am an emotional, and sometimes physical wreck.

In the few years, life, as it does, has taken some major terms and the emotional load I've been dealing with has seemed easier to kill with alcohol than trying to work through what has been happening. I've had so many nights (sometimes several a week), that I've ended up so drunk and out of control. I'm humiliated the next day thinking about how I've acted and the things I've said, and I just hate myself.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to a party at which I drank at least two bottles of wine, probably more, and am so embarrassed by my behavior that I fear running into the people who were there. What's worse is that I drove home from that party, absolutely trashed. The whole time I was driving home, I kept saying "I want to get caught, I want to get caught, I want to get caught." I didn't, and thank god I didn't harm myself or anyone else.

That wasn't the last time I drank, I've gotten drunk three or four times since then, the last time was Tuesday night. Yesterday I woke up and was finally ready to admit to myself that I am out of control, absolutely, completely out of control. I can't remember the last time I had one or two drinks, although often (but not always), I start out with that intention. As soon as I take one drink, it's like I have to keep drinking.

What I really want now is to quit drinking for good. I know there is danger with binge drinkers having a false confidence because we don't drink on a daily basis, and I want to go to AA to find help and a community and a program, but I am having huge anxiety over going to a meeting. I've read about what happens in a meeting, what to expect and that I don't have to talk in the meeting if I don't want to. I guess the anxiety comes from having to talk to people before or after, and seeing someone I know. I know that is totally illogical because obviously they are there because they are alcoholics and not to judge me, but I feel really ashamed that I can't control myself and have to get help. I don't know anyone else who can't control their drinking, and I'm afraid that people will be disappointed in me.

Yesterday I read through some AA literature on their website, and thought that maybe I could do the program on my own at home, but by yesterday evening, I was already wondering if I should do it "one last time" and then start, which I know is very dangerous thinking, and I don't WANT to do it one last time, but I'm afraid that if I don't find help then as soon as I'm sad or upset or whatever, I'll go right back to drinking.

I realize I didn't ask any specific questions because I don't really know what my questions actually are, I guess I'm just wondering if other people felt the same way and some assurance that going isn't as bad as trying to control it on my own.